Hearing in the Silence

I have been praying a dangerous prayer. A prayer that is always shaking things up, and always throwing me for a loop.  Unravel me.  Take my broken places, my darkest bits and unravel them.  Turn them into what you want God!   (Be warned, things will change if you step down this path!)  So, unraveling is happening, and has been for a long time, but this winter a whole new space unraveled, and together God and I have been rebuilding it. .

God changed the way he speaks to me this winter.  We had a rhythm, God and I.  We spent time together everyday, and for the most part, the time was a little give, and a little take, a lot of talking, a lot of reading, a lot of writing.  I write my heart to God and write what I am hearing from him.  I am a writer at heart.  I might not write anything for anyone else, I may never be published.  I am certainly not Jane Austen, but I write.  A lot.  

This winter the writing stopped.  The words dried up, and there was silence.  I resisted of course, sitting in front of my journal and filling it with questions, writing down God's word and waiting for more to come, but it never did.  The out pouring of words that had once been the normal rhythm was gone.  Not only did my journal sit empty but I was silent.  I wasn't writing at all... not blog post, a poem a song, a novel....nothing.  I was left staring at blank pages.

I still felt God,  He wasn't gone.  He was reaching out in a totally different way.   I felt his prompting and I heard the things he was saying to me...

Be still.
Listen.
I am here,
Just be.

My heart protested.  My brain froze.  I questioned.  I don't want to just sit here I thought.  I have dishes to do, and lunches to make and I haven't slept the night through since I had children!  I want to spend time with you God!  You created me to write God, and now there is nothing!  What gives?  Where did all the words go?

Be steadfast.
Be still.
Breathe.
Listen.
Be steadfast. 

And so I read my bible, and I sat.  I sat and listened.   I sat and soaked in his presence.  I set my journal to the side and we sat together God and I.  I shut out the noise, and the distractions, I let the dishes go.  I sat.  To say it was easy would be a complete lie, but as I read and sat God revealed himself to me in in a whole new way.

He led me to Isaiah 26:3 over and over again.  "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."  Really if you get a chance the entire chapter is great, but verse three became my focus.  Keep steadfast, Listen, I trust you God.  Ok, I am here.  I am sitting.  I am still.

Slowly, after months of this new way of spending time with God the words started to come back again.   I dipped my toe into the writing pool and the pages began to fill up again.  And yet, as much as I loved the rhythm I found I had experienced change in my heart.  Some mornings when I sit down in the quiet to spend time with God I find I don't want to pick up my journal.  I want to sit in the silence and focus.  I just want to be still, and listen.

I unraveled, and He took those small broken pieces and built me back together.  Stronger, more peaceful, and more focused.  It is a journey and not everyday is perfect, but I am in perfect peace knowing that as those pieces come unraveled I can trust that God is rebuilding, remaking, and filling me with love and grace.   I don't have to have the strength as I unravel, I don't have to have the answers, and I don't have to know what happens next.  God has that all covered.  I just need to keep turning to him.

On Failing and #familypray30

I have a confession.  We as a family are failing #familypray30.  We are already a few days behind, and might not catch up within the 30 days allotted for this challenge.  I hesitate to type this out because I am basically admitting that we couldn't find the five minutes to pray through the book each day.   I love this prayer challenge, and I am going to finish it.  It just might take us longer than 30 days!

As intentional as I am as a parent, and as intentional as we are about praying with our kids, life happens.  Things get messy.  We have had a full week of late nights and places to go with kids who were tired and overly busy.    I forgot to bring the book with us on late nights.  Then when we got home it was much easier to snuggle in bed and pray with each child than it was to gather them all sleepy eyed and frazzled to go through the book.

We could just throw in the towel, but I am still going to consider this week a win. I don't have to be perfect as a parent. I don't have to.  No where is it dictated that we have to be perfect.  No where.  No where does it say we have to earn our way into anything.  We are loved.  We are created in His image.  We are His.   I am going to rest in that identity, and hopefully reflect that to my daughters as we imperfectly make our way through this challenge.

It is true, we didn't finish the book everyday, but here is why I think we won this week:

-We prayed every day.  Together.
-We belted out praise and worship in the car.
-We read, and told bible stories.
-We laughed together.
-We thanked God for our blessings.
-When Bill and I were not home for the evening, our oldest led the younger two in bedtime prayers.
-When a firetruck drove by, sirens blaring, my youngest reminded me to pray for wherever it was going.
-When my middle daughter was feeling uncertain she came to me and we talked through it, prayed and offered it up to God.

These messy moments are moments of growth.  These are the moments where faith is stretched, and lessons are learned.  Messy and broken life moments are where my daughters are learning we don't just schedule time to be with God, we make Him a part of every moment.