Brag blog

This is completely a brag blog.  My oldest daughter wrote a poem in school. She had to read it out loud to my husband and I at conferences, and I cried.  Yes, I am the mom that cries.  I love it so much I had to share it with everyone.

I Am

I am a bubbly, helpful girl who loves animals.

I hear birds chirping in the distance.

I see humming birds buzzing their wings with delight.

I want to make a difference in the universe.

I am a bubbly, helpful girl who loves animals.

I imagine that there could be a change in my life.

I feel a lot of my emotions mixed in a way only I know.

I touch the softest fur on my dog which calms me deeply.

I worry about my brother.

I cry when I haven’t seen someone in a long time.

I am a bubbly, helpful girl who loves animals.

I understand life is difficult.

I say, believe in what’s right.

I dream for a better world.

I try to make a difference in life.

I hope to make a difference in people’s lives.

I am a bubbly, helpful girl who loves animals.

Sitting waiting for some inspiration

I have been sitting on this blog for the last two weeks, and I keep getting interrupted.  I think it is about time that I bite the bullet, post this sucker, and move on to a bigger and better blog post.

It is so easy to get lost in the chaos of day to day life.   Assuming you are like me, at least somewhat, you are  being pulled in a bunch of different directions.  You are surrounded by what I like to call "life noise."   The kids need food, and attention, the laundry needs to be done, you need to send that email for work, the dog is asking to go outside, and your spouse needs you to find their cell phone charger.   We have all been there before, we are trying to do so many things at the same time we cannot do anything.

Most of the time I focus on making a list first of all the things that I need to get done, and that seems to help calm the noise down, because I can tackle these tasks one at a time.  But the main thing I found was that I need to focus.  Focus not on what I am doing, but in doing whatever I do with love.

Am I doing this in love?  Seems kind of silly right?  Am I letting the dog outside in love?  Am I unloading the dishwasher in love?  I guess my answer would be no.  I am not always doing things because I am happy to do them, or because I love to do them, or even showing my kids that no matter what the task is you can do it in love.

Situations get messy.  We argue with each other, we don't always see eye to eye, and if you ask my oldest daughter.  I am probably not doing anything right.  Not even one tiny thing. But as she grows up I want her to see me as the kind of woman who loved her day to day tasks.  I make lunches everyday not because I have to, but because I love her and I want her to eat healthy.   I want her to know that being a mom is hard, and gritty but is also basically the greatest gift I have ever been given.

That is my thought for today:  Do whatever you are doing in love.  That is all.

The Fruit....it's out of reach

I love the title of this blog.  The fruit that is out of reach.  I like that it sparks some sort of creativity in me, and that anyone who reads this might be thinking I have something interesting to say.  There must be something that is unattainable.  Something I am missing, but I can taste it.  I can feel it's mark.

In this case, it really is a bowl of fruit that is on the other side of the room, and I am too tired, and too ingrained in my own thought process to get up and get it.  The fruit really is out of reach.   What sort of thoughts, might one ask, could possibly be keeping me away from the delicious fruit?  Thoughts about Nano.

Most of you, who have read my blog know of National Novel Writing month.  Every year in November, I wrap myself in an over-sized sweater, throw on some pajama pants and start writing.  It doesn't matter that the housework takes a hit, and that one time I forgot to buy bread because for 30 days I get to be creative and write a novel.  This will be my fourth year participating in Nano, and to be honest this is the first year that I think I might not get it accomplished.  

I need ideas, I need inspiration, I need a muse.   I need a saying, a quote, a spark.  I need something....  what do you do when you need something you google it.

Does my main character find:  a love note, a new story, a new life, herself, a dog, a love of something she never thought she could do, drugs, peace, a party invitation, a lost locket, a locked closet....

What does my main character want?  Why can't she have it?  Why does she want it?  Those are all the things that will propel my story forward and they are all jumbled inside my head right now with no real direction.  Am I writing for adults, young adults or children this year?    Let's hope if I am writing for kids my main character does NOT find drugs.

One more month....one more month and I better have organized some of these ideas!

Blogging and Baking

I have a much needed 30 minutes to myself.  My house is clean, my work is done, and I am opting to bake and blog.  The downside to baking by  myself is that I didn't get help from the kids, and my daughters are excellent bakers.  The upside was that I got to lick the spoon, and I usually give the spoons away.   But now the warm cookies are cooling on the counter, and I can blog!

I have been focusing more lately on the bigger picture.  Not that I am ignoring the small details, that is something I cannot afford to do.  I still have to remember to do all the little things that every mom has to remember to do like make lunches, do homework, cleaning, laundry, working etc.  But I think that sometimes the details get in the way of what the bigger picture is.  

I guess I should define what I think the bigger picture is.  You might not agree with what my bigger picture is and that is perfectly fine.  Everyone has a different bigger picture.  For me, right now it is:  Who am I forming my children to be?  Who am I doing all these little things for? Am I consistently being a light for my family and for those around me?  Am I too focused on the task, and the details to remember that the important thing right now is the relationships?

Who am I forming my children to be?  In an ideal world I am forming my children to adore the Lord, to not sweat the small stuff, to know how to balance work and life, and to live life to it's fullest.    I am only human though, so in addition to those things I want them to see me make mistakes.  I make mistakes.  I make so many mistakes.  I make them everyday.  I want them to see me get mad and come back with an apology and some humility.  I want them to see a discussion with my husband, and watch us come to a resolution.  I want them to know that in life you don't have to be perfect.  You don't have to have a perfect house, and you don't have to keep up with the Joneses pun definitely intended.

Who am I doing all these little things for and am I being a light?  I believe, that no matter what I am doing I should be doing it for the Lord.  Every move. Every day.  What an incredible thing to strive for.   I know that I am not always a light, but I will wake up everyday aiming to be a light, and to do it all for God.

Am I lost in the details, or the relationships?   Not everyone has the built in ability to let the laundry sit unfolded, and the dishes sit in the sink, to let things slide so that they can sit down on the floor and play Pretty Pretty Princess.  I am one of those people.  The dishes plague me, and the laundry well, don't even get me started.  The one thing that I find though is that I never regret leaving the laundry, but I always regret not playing that board game, or stopping to give someone a hug.

What is your bigger picture?  How do you focus your priorities on what matters the most to you??

Back to school things

I have to admit that I am struggling a little bit.  Samantha is going into Kindergarten and Phebe is going to Upper Elementary school.   The thought of both of them gone all day five days a week causes a cacophony of emotions for me.   I am excited for them.  Excited for the new experience, and the new friends that they will meet.  I am sad because I think the house will be a little bit more lonely, and a little bit too quiet.   I am overwhelmed, grateful, nervous, and all the things I think every mom is probably feeling at the start of each school year where we are prompted to let go of our babies just a little bit more.  

I know it is good for them.  I know they need the independence, and I know that everything is going to be great.  But I am still allowed to miss them, and I am still allowed hug them fiercely every morning before they go to school.

I do have advice for them this year, and so I am writing it down.

Phebe-

You are amazing.   I have watched you grow over the past year and I am continuously amazed at the young lady you are becoming.   I already miss you, and you haven't even stepped on the bus yet.  If there were one thing that I would want you to know for this year it would be this:  You don't have to be the best, and you don't have to be perfect.  Your dad and I already love you as much as we possibly can.  We are always going to love you, we are always going to be here, and that is never going to change.  You don't need to prove anything to us.   You don't need to be the best at anything, because to us you already are the best.  

Focus this year on being kind, brave, loving, and compassionate.  Be kind to all the new friends you will meet.  Be brave as you face new challenges, meet new people and discover new emotions you haven't experienced yet.  Be a child full of love, and compassion for those around you.   I know you like to lead, and if you lead in love nothing else will matter. 

 You are so wonderfully made, Phebe!  You were made to feel things so much more than other people do, and while that is hard, it is also such an amazing gift!  Trust that God will lead you through this year, and remember that He knows where you are going all you have to do is follow. 

My verse for you this year:  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5

I love you so much,
Mom


Samantha-

My little Melon.  If I could describe you in one word it would be joy.  You are such an amazing little girl.  It is going to be such a big year for you starting Kindergarten.  I am going to miss you every single moment of every single day.   I have so many little bits I would love to tell you as you start your first year of school, but one thing screams out at me, and that is:  Don't change, but grow.

You are so loving, and so full of kindness.  I don't think I could better equip you if I tried.  God has blessed you with the amazing ability to love people without abandon.  You have an amazing intuition to understand what people need, and I love to see you care for others.  I have learned so much about love from you.  Love your classmates, and show them every kindness you have always shown at home, and nothing else will matter.  

I don't care if you get straight As, and I don't care if you are the best in your class.  You are going to mess up sometimes because life is messy and we all mess up.  That is ok, it is more than ok, it is normal, and we are always going to love you no matter what.  Just get up everyday and know that God can do anything for you.  Anything at all.

My verse for you this year is:  God can do all things.  Matthew 19:26

I love you so much,
Mom

When the forces are against you

May the force be with you, or not as was the case for me yesterday.  I am convinced that sometimes there are forces out there that will try to bring you down in any way possible.  Those are the days where everything is just way more difficult than it has to be.

Yesterday, I had to work both of my jobs, my alarm didn't go off and I missed my devotional time in the morning, Samantha came down with strep, the baby didn't nap, my copies weren't made for the presentation that I had to give, the sound broke on my computer...  I think you get the idea.   I could have just given up.  I could have thrown in the towel and tried again another day.  But I didn't. 

Today, I am here to say that I won.   I made my presentation without the paperwork, I got all my chores done with the baby, and I did it all with a smile on my face, and joy in my heart. 

You lose forces.  You lose.

Want or Need.

I read a lot of posts on facebook.  I know, I have nothing better to do with my time than to read facebook posts, but I don't think anyone out there is judging me because you have nothing to do better either do you??    Reading all these posts made me start to think, and eventually I started to take a poll.  Not just on facebook, but in general.   What do people need?  And what do people want, but they think they need?

I know it seems confusing in today's world.  What do we need?  There is the basic answer of water, food, and shelter.  We all need these things, but I am willing to give people a little bit more leeway than that.  I don't bat an eye when people say I need to have a car to get to work, or I need a new shirt. (Even if you probably have another 10 shirts at home and don't need another).

I started to notice so many things that are off with everyone, myself included. A friend who needs to have salad every night for dinner, people claiming they need to get a bigger house, a newer car, they need to have a specific kind of cereal, air-conditioning in the car.  I have seen people say I need for some crazy things.   Well, no sorry you don't NEED a bigger house or a newer car.  But I do get that you want those things.

One afternoon, I said to a girlfriend that I hate the bedding that we have.  Bill bought it before we got married, and it is very masculine, and not at all my style.   She responded "Oh yeah, I don't like that either you totally need to go get new bedding."  This struck a chord with me.  Did I want new bedding?  Yes! It  would be nice to have bedding that we both liked, but did I need it?  Of course not.  The bedding, while not my style, is still really nice bedding.  The bedding fills its purpose.  It keeps me warm in the winter, and I can kick it down in the summer.  No, we didn't need new bedding.  I just wanted it.

So, why does it matter?  Who cares if people say want or need?  I guess what I have been thinking the most lately is about my kids.  Do my kids understand that we are among the top 5% in the entire world just because we own a house and a car?   Do they understand that they don't need ipads, or ipods or laptops?  We don't need cable tv, or air conditioning in the car.  Do they really understand the difference about what is important in life?  Do they understand the difference between what they really need and what they want?

Are we living open-handed?  Are we not taking the things we have for granted, and spreading love and wealth wherever we can?  Am I setting the right example and really teaching them what is important, and what is not?

I guess I better watch the example that I am setting for my kids.  

Ponderings

The past week or so has flown by in a crazy, hot, summer-filled blur.  I would like to say I have been stopping to "smell the roses" but it has all been go, go, go.   I have been enjoying having all the kids home, and finally being able to go back outside.   I have so many things running through my head that this blog is going to be list-style!   

1.   Claire had her first official swim in the pool yesterday, and it was adorable.  She was batting her little fists around and laughing at everything around her.   She actually protested when I took her out after 20 minutes because I didn't want her to get too cold.   She is also 6-months-old today.  How did that go by so fast?  I cannot believe we are half way through her first year already.  I feels surreal.

2.  Apparently they are making gyms now that ban skinny people?  Why can't we all just get along?  Why do we need to ban people from things?  Now, I realize I am saying this from a single point of view.   But is there really a reason to ban people from working out because they are skinny or fat?   Shouldn't the overall goal to have everyone be fit and confident?

3.  I have fallen behind on my novel.  Well, not technically behind since I edited 30 pages in the first week, but I am not on week 3, and I have edited exactly another 3 pages.  My original goal of 10 pages a week is being met, but I really should try and focus this week.  I have hit one of those points in my book that is really difficult to edit.  The emotions are raw, they feel very real, and I am the kind of writer that has to totally invest herself in the character to write the emotions.   I think it is time to take a breath and just dive in.

4.  We cancelled cable.  I know crazy right, but we don't need it.   We have netflix, and we have the computer.  I don't think we are really even going to miss it.  It will also limit what we have available which will promote more activities that don't involve television.  I like all of that!

5.  I have a huge list of new recipes to try.  Recipes that involve things like quinoa (my new favorite breakfast) and they look delicious.   My family thinks I am insane.  And I am pretty sure Bill thinks I am trying to kill him by making so much healthy food.

6.  In my devotions lately I have been obsessed with 1 Corinthians 13: 7-8:  Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.  I know that this is normally used in weddings, but if you research the meaning of the word that specific love is "agape" love, or divine love.  It is the way God loves us, what he does for us.  I would suggest rereading the passage and really focus on that thought.   Wow!

Ok, those are just 6 little thoughts from me.  The baby is about to wake up and I know I can edit a few pages.  :)

Why this evening is a waste of time/writing

I should be editing my book right now.  I should be cleaning.  I should be cleaning up the rest of the dinner dishes.  I should be throwing on yet another load of laundry.  Which, by the way, does someone want to explain to me how a family of five can make more than 2 loads of laundry per day?  I find this really confusing.  I should be going up to bed to read, or do more devotionals.  But instead I am ignoring all the should be statements, and I am blogging.

I made a goal of 10 pages per week for editing my novel.  Right now I am basically taking it from Nano status to actual novel status.  Basically, I am content editing.  Then I get to find some suckers out there to read it and give me feed back.  You know you want to be one of those suckers!  Turns out I am loving content editing.  I have edited 23 pages in the last two days.  At this rate I will be done with the first edit in record time, and I will have something to show for it.    I just have to keep up the motivation.  I don't think this will be a problem because I have already edited my least favorite part of the novel and I have moved on to the parts I like better.  :)

I love that while writing I get so involved with my characters.  If my main character is in a bad mood then so am I, if she is going through something emotionally then so am I.   I love that the characters all come to life on the page as I am writing.  I love that I am so invested, and that I can control it all!  Who wouldn't want to be a writer.  It really is amazing.   I don't care if you think you can't write, or you find the task to be daunting.  I promise it is a blast!  Just don't take yourself too seriously and let it all go.

Speaking of taking yourself too seriously, it reminds me of the novel I wrote this year.  (not the one I am editing right now FYI.) I was over 6 months pregnant.  I had NO viable ideas for a novel and my husband challenged me to write a novel that was completely out of my comfort zone.  Write something that will challenge you, and is something you never considered doing.  At first he suggested that I write about the zombie apocalypse.  This suggestion was a little too far out of my comfort zone.  I wasn't even really interested.  Instead I decided to write a fantasy novel.  Yes, you heard me right fantasy novel.  

The entire process of writing fantasy was amusing.  I would be downstairs writing a chapter and I would have to come running upstairs to ask my husband super important questions.  Things like is the leader of the dwarves called a king, and are there different kinds of elves?   Having never read any fantasy novel except the Hobbit I was lacking tons of information.  I researched online, came up with fantasy names, and had a fairy as a main character.  I learned that the fantasy world as a whole was more important than almost anything, and the more details I could give the better.  It was funny.  Those were my important questions I had to find answers to.  But my husband was right.  I did learn a lot writing a fantasy novel.  I don't think I will repeat the experience, and I don't think I will be a famous fantasy writer.    I do think that writing that novel gave me the confidence to know I can write something out of nothing.    I can have no idea what I am doing, no idea where the novel will go, and I can still do it.

That made it worth it.

Ok I give in...I SHOULD be going to bed!

Birthday Blues? Not here.

It is the eve of my 31st birthday, gasp.  I am not 29, or 30.  As of tomorrow I am "in my thirties."  I know that a lot of people would be freaking out, or feeling old.  I have a few friends who upon turning 30 cleaned everything out of their lives.  I had an amazing 30th birthday.  My family and friends blew me away with their generosity and their kindness.  I was not all introspective or wondering about the next phase in my life.  I was actually totally fine with turning 30.  I did not clean out my closet, or my life.

This year, I am not freaking out, but I am more introspective.  When faced with the question where are you going to be in 5 years for the first time I am not sure.  I am done having babies, I have three gorgeous daughters, and in 5 years Claire will be in school.  What will I be doing?  There are so many answers...I decided to revisit my list of things to do that I made on New Year's eve 2011.  The list needs updating, and what better time to update than on my almost birthday?

Here is a new list for the next phase of my life.  The things I am looking forward to in my 30s:

1.  Take a few workout classes outside my house.  One can only take so many dvds, it is time to take a few classes!  Zumba or yoga here I come!
2.  Edit my novel (one of them) so I can present it to someone.  I have a goal of 10 pages a week.  I can do this!
3.  Get my body back.  No more being pregnant, and nursing soon.  Not that I didn't enjoy it, I LOVED it.  But I am also excited for this next phase.
4.  Go on a mission trip before I am 40.
5.  Sew a quilt, or blanket from the baby clothes.
6.  Live my life with intention, and be a light.  Enjoy all the moments, big and small.
7.  Read the books in my house that I have not read yet, I have a goal that I have to read 2 books before I buy one.  That way I read the multitude I have here!
8.  Go rock climbing.
9.  Lead a small group of either women, or teenagers,or couples. I am not picky.
10.  Find the perfect little black dress.



I am sure there are more goals that I will come up with but for now this is what is off the top of my head.

:)

Advocating for your children

I have a bone to pick this week.   Having a bone to pick usually means I am going to get up on my milk crate and start preaching to everyone around me.  Consquently, this means you.

When I was twelve-years-old I was an avid reader and my mom used to let me order books through the book order all the time.   I remember the last time I ordered a book through the book order, I got a book called Summertime something. I don't remember the title to tell you the truth.   The book was about a  14 year old girl who goes to camp, and falls in love, and well, you know what happens after that...  I made it about 50 pages into the book, hit the first sex scene and knew something was wrong.   I knew my mom would be really upset if  she knew what I was reading.   As a child I didn't really know what genre of book I was reading, but as an adult I can tell you that the book was a romance novel at best.  But a romance novel about a young girl.  I gave the book up to my mom who about had an heart attack.

How could I have gotten a book like this out of an approved book order?  Much less an approved book order at a Catholic school??  My mom pulled on her momma bear pants and went storming into the school.  I don't know what happened behind those closed doors.  I sat outside wondering if I was in trouble for having ordered this book.   Obviously, I was not in trouble.  I found that out later.

As a result, I am the mom that watches what her kids watch.  I am the uncool one that forbids certain shows on Disney, and Nickelodeon.   I have a problem with kids on tv being rude, disrespectful, and vulgar.  I don't think that kids should be acting that way, and I don't think my kids need that example in their lives.  I have been very blessed with an amazing daughter who at nine-years-old makes these decisions on her own.   She passes up on inappropriate clothing, she switches the channel on the television, and she is the first to tell me when something is not right.

Friday Phebe came downstairs with her Friday folder.  She was so excited to show me the certificate that she got for doing Math Olympiads all year.   I hugged her, of course and was so excited.   Then she made a face that looked unsure, and pulled out her "award."   The award that all the kids got was a documentary dvd of Alien Encounters.    I swallowed hard looking at the dvd, not wanting to judge right off the bat what it contained, but already wary.   12 hours of footage!  What happens during Alien encounters?  Well, this dvd would tell you.  All presented in documentary form.  A form, that my daughter will have a very hard time distinguishing what is true, and what is not.   I took the dvd, and Phebe was very understanding, and she knew it was not something for her before she even pulled it out.  Thank God for her!

I personally, don't watch that kind of stuff, but I realize that some people do, and I was willing to give the adults the benefit of the doubt that maybe their kids were really into Aliens.  Then I noticed the rating.  TV14.  Really???  TV14?

That warranted an email to the teacher.  An email that was forwarded to the principle.   I still have not gotten a response.

What are you waiting for?  Jump in there and find out what your kids are doing.  You might not like what you find, but it is your job to be there and know what is going on.

A moment of peace, and the new normal

I don't know why exactly I would call this blog a moment of peace.  Really, it is a small moment of quiet in my otherwise fast paced day.  I am only getting this moment because I am ignoring my 5-year-old who is being amazingly quiet and wonderful today.

This blog is also quite frivolous considering the fact that I am drowning in things to do and I have nothing interesting to say.  Yes, I can admit for the first time in my life I feel like I have so much to do, and the smallest amount of time possible to do those things in.   I call it third baby syndrome.   One baby is easy, two babies can be challenging at times, but still for the most part, at least for me, was easy.  It was the third baby.  My sweet little Claire that turned my life entirely upside down.

Claire has a mind of her own.  She came much later than my other girls, and she took 10 hours more than both my other girls combined to show her face at the hospital.   She didn't want to come out, and she let the entire world know it.  As a result I came home from the hospital more tired than I have ever been in my entire life.  My entire body ached, and I could barely walk.  I had never experienced this before, my other two labors had been so easy.  Praise God, for my mother who came over everyday for the first week and helped me with little things like walking up the stairs, and big things like cleaning my house.  I never would have survived that first week without her.  I have to admit when my mom was over for her last day I was scared.  I didn't think I could do it alone, but I persevered and survived.   Then I added back one job, and the other job all while juggling all these balls up in the air wondering when it was going to all come crashing down around me.  Crashing down around me it did.  Because I was trying to handle it all on my own again, forgetting that God is the one that I am supposed to let juggle all those balls.

Prayer is the key for me, the only real sanity I have.   Handing over all those little balls to God, and letting Him handle them.  I know I cannot do it, and that is ok.  I just have to stop trying to take all of them back.  He knows better than I do.

Now, the last 4 months have flown by and I am adjusting to what I call "the new normal."  The new normal where my to do lists take much longer to do.  The new normal where I am forced to take more, and ask for more help than I ever have had to before.  This is a difficult task for me, I like being dependable and autonomous, but I have started to see that in asking for help I am also teaching my daughters important lessons.  

Despite the fact that I am busy, I am enjoying every single second of my kids. I am going to bed every night more exhausted than I ever have been.  Dirty, tired, covered in drool, food, dirt, you name it.  But I am smiling and praising God for the wonderful, beautiful daughters that He has blessed me with.  Yes, there is more clutter in my life.  Yes, there is more chaos.   I still maintain a house that is really clean, but I don't always get that last toy picked up off the floor, or fold that last shirt to put it away.   I also find that I don't really mind.   What I am thinking about is the smile that Claire had for me, the dance that Samantha did, and the hug I got when Phebe came home from school.

When I do get overwhelmed, I just keep remembering that tomorrow is another day, with another few moments, and another opportunity to enjoy my life.  One day when I have nothing to do I will be looking back and wishing with all my heart that my girls were little again.