Trust

What a difficult thing right now for me to trust.    Trust that God is going to have everything taken care of and Claire born right when she is supposed to be.   I know it sounds silly, I should be able to throw my hands up in the air and trust that God has it covered.  He does have everything else in my life covered.  But I have so many moments of weakness right now.   I am oh so tired, and both of my kids came this week at this time.   And I remember how bad it hurts.... Part of me just wants to get it over with, and know that it is time so I can face the pain and be done with it.    Really more than that, however is I want to meet her.  I want to kiss her sweet little face, and see her fingers and her toes, and I am impatient.  

I pray daily for her safety and that she is born right when God wants her to be, and that He is in charge of this birth.   It is a struggle though to let it go, and just truly let Him have it.   This makes me think because surrendering my life is not something that is difficult for me most of the time.  I WANT God to cover me, I want him to be in charge of my life and everything in it.  I know for a fact that I would not have survived my life, let alone this last year if I didn't have him there.  HE is the reason that I am standing, I am not strong, God is strong.

So, why this, why now?  What are you out there trying to teach me?  

5 weeks!

I am jumping the gun a little since in about 5 weeks I will be 37 weeks, and Claire will be fully cooked.  But I wanted to express my joy.   Five weeks and I could be meeting her.  I could be wearing regular pants again, I could wake up and not feel nauseous.  I can take nyquil again!  I know it is the little things in life right?

I think I am most excited to do real workouts again.  Not that I mind walking, it is nice, but I am ready to get back to Bob, and be challenged in a way that I haven't been in months!   I am also on a mission to convince the ladies in my life to workout with me again.   (yes, if you are reading this thinking is this me?  It is you.  It is time.)  

Happiness all around.

Morning coffee gets my nerves in a twitter

I have been up for two hours, and I am not that far ahead.  I am procrastinating from real life by blogging.   At least for some of you that means you get to read something.  :)

I am currently downloading pictures from Phebe's birthday party on to the computer and eventually on to facebook if I am lucky.  AND DONE!!

I have no real coherent thoughts today and I am going to bore you with a list of things that I have thought in the past few hours.

1. There is no such thing as a peaceful protest.  Not when there are crazy people out there.   (Note to you all:  I am in no way saying I am for or against protests, or giving my opinion in anyway on the protests going on right now.)   I am just saying, that there are two sides, protesters and the cops....both have at least one person that is willing to take things too far.  Sad.  Can't we be peaceful?

2.  When you are grocery shopping there are two things that you should do, if not for yourself, for the sanity of those around you.  First, don't leave your cart perpendicular in the middle of the lane, thus making it impossible for other people to pass you, and then get mad when they move your cart out of the way.  (Honestly, I saw a few people fighting about this today.)  Second, if it is a pain for you to walk to the cart return, to properly put your cart back then park right next to it and viola problem solved!!  Note:  the trunk of my car is NOT a cart return.

3.  Being in my third trimester not only makes me not want to be pregnant anymore because I want my body back, but I find myself standing in the nursery dreaming about what the baby will look like.  I cannot wait to kiss her face and hold her.  I am so excited!

4.  Nesting for me is basically amazing.  I love when things are clean and organized.  Nesting just gives me the excuse to be overly organized and overly clean.   :)

5.  If you honestly don't have the time or the mental capacity to listen to me when I tell you I need to vent, or talk or share about my life.  Please don't pretend that you do.  It is ok for you to say no.  I would rather you say no than have you not listen.  That tends to let me down.

6.  Tv is bad.   I need some good tv in my life for when I am up late at night nursing....any suggestions?!

7.  Is it crazy to crave Frank's red hot on everything you eat?  If not, then please explain to me why my weirdest craving this pregnancy has been bananas with maple syrup.  

Ok, off to clean some more.  :)

Nano is over and I have to take it easy

Nothing like forced sitting to make you finally update your blog.  I just finished the adventure that is Nano.  50k words completed, saved and submitted.  That is right Nano, you have yet to defeat me.  I am actually relieved to have it done this year with so much else that is going on in my life!!  For those of you who still don't know what Nano is, here is the brief explanation.  National Novel Writing Month is the name, and the challenge is to write 50,000 words in the month of November.  You will then have your basic premise for a novel, and you can add/edit later.  I must confess before starting Nano the idea of writing 50k in only 30 days seemed a task that I would never ever be able to do.  But now, I am wiser.  I know that the real work is in the editing.  A task that can overtake your life.

On other news:

We are officially at 31 weeks, and I am hoping only six more to go!  I am enjoying the little moments of her kicking, and having both Phebe and Samantha come over and want to feel the baby kick.  Today I am having forced rest from the doctor (also from my husband.).   The specific instructions were to take it "slightly" more usual than normal and drink lots of fluids.   This is partially good because I have caught the cold that my friends kids have, and I am tired today, and partially bad because I hate to sit.     Seriously, hate to sit.  I look around me and think about all the thing I want to be doing, and making doing them forbidden for the day makes me want to do them more.  :)  I know it is a sickness.

I just read an article title "does a good hair day stop you from working out?"  I am not even going to read that.  I cannot even begin to describe what a ridiculous thought that is.   Are you really that high maintenance??

I don't have anything else interesting to say, but here I sit watching the New Girl, which I love, and waiting for the laundry to finish... 

Blessings

I have so many little good things to share.   God has blessed our house so many times, and I just want to share the joy with everyone.   I don't really have one specific topic, and I think that listing out what I have seen lately is the easiest, and the best way to share what little joys my life has had in the past few weeks.

1.  This pregnancy has been such a blessing for me.  I am so excited to be having another sweet little girl!  I love to feel her kick me, and nudge inside when I am doing something she likes or doesn't.   I feel like she is saying "hey mom, I am in here and I love you."   I cannot wait to show her just how much I already love her and how amazing she already is.   When you have your first child you learn that you have a whole new level of love, and you never thought you could love someone quite this much.  When you have your second you learn that each child is loved that much, and your heart literally grows another for each child.  Now, I get to have that for a third time. 

2.  Samantha is blossoming at school.  She is loving, and sweet, and so caring.  The first day of school, Bill and I came together to pick Samantha up and she was in her classroom.  She didn't know that we could hear and see her.   There was another child crying and she went right up and offered to make them feel better.  She wanted to give him chinners (a strange thing that we do in our family where you bump your chin on someone to let them know that you have overwhelming love for them.  It is kind of like a big hug.  I know it sounds weird, but it is one of those things your kids make up and it gets incorporated and becomes dear to you.)  She settled on hugging the crying child instead, and I was so proud of her for stepping right up.

3.  Phebe is getting to be so big.  I am overwhelmed by how mature, and how understanding she is.  I cannot believe it is going by this fast, and that she is already about to turn 9.  How did it go by so fast.   I am so thankful that I have been around for everything from her first words to her first day of school, to her first crush.  I have not had to miss a moment, and I am so thankful for that.

4.  A note on kids who are NOT my kids, but I consider them honorary kids.   Parker (bestfriend's son)  last week made my ENTIRE day because he hugged me 3 times before leaving, and then had to come back to the door again to hug me and tell me he loved me.   I love it!  Robby (other best friend's son) always comes over and compliments my cooking and tells me how delicious everything is.  It is really sweet and nice to hear!

That is all just a blog of happiness.

The baby stole my brain-working out with a cold

I don't have a title for this blog mostly because I don't have any real reason to blog.  I just felt it necessary since I have not written anything in months.   I am going to pull out the mom card here, and say this baby ate my brain.  I cannot even start a book I haven't read before without confusion.   I have a list of interesting blogs that I can start and should be able to write, but I don't have the mental capacity to try it.  

In reflection of my life this past week, being both pregnant and sick, I decided to make today's blog about working out with a cold.  Obviously, regular moderate exercise is something that will prevent a cold.  According to a lot of findings, exercise helps make your immune system more capable of fighting off a cold or a flu.  But what do you do when you have already gotten a cold?  Should you workout, or should you skip for a few days and rest?

There are a few rules of thumb for working out with a cold.

1.  Listen to your body.  If you are extremely tired, or have a higher heart rate already due to decongestants then take it easy..  Decongestants and a few other cold medications are known stimulants, and you might find yourself short of breath a lot easier.  If you just have a head cold, go ahead and workout.
2.  Don't workout if your chest is congested or if you have a fever.  The rule of thumb is if you have a head cold, go ahead and do some moderately intense workout.  But if your chest is congested, or you already have a fever it is better for you to rest and stay in bed.    
3.  Stick to moderate intensity.  It is never a good idea to do a really intense workout when you are sick.  Moderate intensity however, should help your immune system along on the process.  If you are tired, but still feel the need to do something try yoga, pilates or a short walk.
4.  Rest and drink up.   Don't forget to drink plenty of fluids and in general let your body rest more than normal.

Back to heal myself.  :)

Best and Worst Vending Machine Foods

One of my best friends is currently as she states "on the vending machine diet."   She has been visiting for days at a time in the hospital where the only easy access food she has is to a single vending machine.   This makes me sad, but also prompted me to write this entry about the choices we are making at the vending machine, or while running into the pharmacy. 

Think about it, back when pharmacy's first came out you went in for your drugs.  You were not inundated with food choices (and poor ones at that).  But we have all be stuck before, we have all been in that place where we HAVE to make a choice, there is no other option.  Sooooo, what are the best choices?   And what choices should be avoided at all costs?

After careful research and consideration the stats are in!

 WORST VENDING MACHINE FOODS:


HOSTESS FRUIT PIES-  at a whopping 470 calories, and 20-27 grams of fat these little cakes are diet sabotage.  Not to mention the 40 grams of sugar and minimal protein.  If you have never eaten one of these before then good for you, if you still buy these I would permanently take them off your list.

SECOND PLACE WINNERS:

Frosted Pastries
Reese's Peanut butter cups
Chips
Austin Cheese crackers (a trans fat nightmare)
Any form of candy like skittles, twix or 3 Musketeers (all sugar, no protein or fiber here)



BEST VENDING MACHINE FOODS:  


TRAIL MIX OR NUTS:  This is an obvious winner, you have fiber, healthy fat, and protein here.   For less calories than your fruit pie your sweet tooth will be satisfied and you will be full longer.  Most vending machines now have either Trail mix, peanuts, or sometimes even sunflower seeds.  

SECOND PLACE WINNERS:

Energy bars
Granola bars like Nutri Grain Oats and Honey  (crunchy and full of fiber)
Cereal bars
Candy like Snickers, Payday or Peanut M&Ms (these are not the best choice it is still candy and full of stuff you don't need, but the peanuts at least make them a better choice than their non-peanut candy choices.)
Pretzels
Smartfood Popcorn (lowfat and full of fiber!)

Next time you are at the vending machine think about what you are ordering, or if you really cannot wait until you get home to have a healthy snack.   

Blogger

I just had to pop on and state that I am NOT in fact a lazy blogger.  I have been trying to get on to my blog for the last month or so, and it has not been working.   I found out why today, we are no longer blogspot.  It is blogger now....  Thanks for notifying me google.  I really appreciate it.   On the upside, I now have a back log of blogs to add on in the next few weeks!    :)  

Ouch I am sore, an excuse not to workout?

I love the feeling of waking up in the morning stretching out and instantly knowing that I am going to be sore when my feet hit the ground.   I peak my feet out from under the covers into the cool morning air and slide them to the floor.  Upon standing, I feel it.  I am sore.  That soreness means my workout the day before was probably amazing, and at the very least challenging or different than I usually work.   This makes me smile.  My friends think this makes me crazy.

This soreness is also called Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness, or DOMS.  How does DOMS occur, and what is it?   DOMS is basically small tears in the muscle and as the tears heal the muscle grows stronger. DOMS can be experienced by anyone at any fitness level.   That is right beginners, your friends working out at the advanced level can (and do) feel the same thing.   That is the good news.  Do you want to know the bad news?  Sore muscles are not an excuse to take a few days off.     

So, what do you do to prevent and treat DOMS? 

•  Always warm up, warm muscles will tear less.  Less tearing means less soreness.
• Stretch out your muscles when your workout is done.  Hold each stretch for at least 10-15 seconds.   Believe me, the stretching not only feels good, but has a benefit.  
• When you have DOMS, take an anti-inflammatory.  It will help the pain and the inflammation.
• If DOMS is really bad ICE it!
• Make your next few days, "active recovery" days. Don't hit the sore muscle groups really hard right away, but add in cardio, or yoga, and make those days still count!  On top of still getting your workout in, staying active can make those muscles feel better.

Remember that some soreness is not DOMS.  Make sure you do not have a sprain or a strain!  A good way to tell is if your pain is one sided.     One sided pain indicates injury, so get it checked out.

Here are a few links for more information if you need it:

Sports Fitness Advisor
Sports Medicine

Jillian's Ripped in 30 a Review

This week, despite the fact that I am still participating in a Jillian's 30 day shred challenge, I decided to try Jillians Ripped in 30.  (Yes, you read that right,  that is in addition to what I am already doing.)   I couldn't help it.  I got the new dvd in the mail, and it was like a shiny new toy for a child.  I had to try it that day.

The principle behind the Ripped dvd is 4 workouts about 25 minutes each, you do each level for a week and your challenge is completed in 30 days.  Hence the name, Ripped in 30.

I decided to break down the review by level.   First, let me tell you that Jillian gives you beginner modifications on all 4 levels, much to her chagrin. Even on the last level where she claims that there should be no beginner modifications on a level 4 she does show you how to make the moves a little easier if you are just starting out.  I was extremely thankful for the modifications because there were several moves that I could not do the entire time.  While I am far from a beginner Jillian takes working out to another level where you really do have to build up to being able to do all the moves.   She doesn't leave room for shenanigans though, all the moves are hard, and she claims if 400 pound people on the Biggest Loser can do the moves, so can you.

Level 1:  I got through level one with no real problems.  It was a decent workout, but not the hardest thing I have ever done.
Level 2:  I get about half way through this level when it dawns on me that level 2 of Ripped in 30, is harder than level 3 in the 30 day Shred!  Now, I am really excited and curious to find out what levels 3 and 4 bring.
Level 3:   This level was fun, the moves Jillian chose were not moves I have ever done before.  A bear crawl, rock star sit ups, duck walk.  It sounds silly but my quads were screaming by the end.    I was so excited after finishing Level 3 I had to dive right into level 4.
Level 4:  Jillian boasts that never before has there been a level 4.  Level 4 was definitely a challenge.  Even Basheera who is a gorgeous albeit beast of a woman has a hard time finishing level 4 at the advanced level. 

Overall, I loved it.  Jillian is true to form, she is witty, and challenging.   When you want to give up she yells at you.  I don't know about, you but when Jillian yells things at me like "Do you want to be skinny or not?"  It makes me move!  My favorite Jillian moment in the dvd was when she pretended to bite the butt of one of the girls.   I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my workout stance.

Here is my overall review (out of 5 stars)
Trainer likeability: *****
Easy to Follow?: ****
Long term likeability: ****
Overall likeability:  *****

The Incredible Edible Egg

Yesterday was one of the longest days I have had in a long time.   The day was actually really great, but it was long.  Thank goodness I got up early, and squeezed my workout in before the day got too hectic.   I always feel better at the end of the day knowing that I have done it, and I don't need to worry about it anymore.  But that is not what today is about.

Easter Weekend is upon us, and tonight we are decorating eggs.  If you are anything like me and my family our celebration of Easter is always exciting.  Easter is, in my opinion, the most important holiday of the year.  It is the holiday we celebrate what a wonderful, amazing gift we have received from God. (Note:  I did not say my favorite to celebrate, it is my second favorite to celebrate because I LOVE Christmas).   At my house decorating eggs is a free for all, they do not need to be perfect, and there is not a contest, but there are usually at least three qualifications.  1.  Everyone has to have an egg with their name on it.  2.  Someone always makes a poop colored egg, and everyone laughs.  And 3.  My mom likes to make an egg that says something along the lines of "Help Let me out." She makes this egg every year, and every year it is her favorite, and every year it makes her laugh.  My mom laughing is a beautiful thing, and therefore I love it!

The bad thing about decorating eggs is that then you have 2-3 dozen hard boiled eggs that you have to eat.  Sometimes more.    I can only take so much egg salad.  I am only human. 

This year I wanted to post a few healthy egg recipes for all your post Easter needs:

1.  Salad.  Make yourself a delicious cobb salad with fresh turkey, lettuce, tomatos, sugar snap peas and a little egg.  If you don't eat meat sub in some delicious tofu, or garbanzo beans.  Drizzle on a little balsamic glaze (or your favorite low calorie dressing) and enjoy.

2.  Upgraded egg salad.  The thing that makes egg salad so bad for you is the mayo.  Skip the mayo and go with lowfat greek yogurt.  Add celery, onion, mustard (for some zip), salt and pepper, and you are ready to pop that onto a slice of your favorite whole grain bread with some lettuce and fresh sliced tomato.

3.   Here is a delicious recipe that I found for tuna salad stuffed tomatoes.  Yum!  http://www.fromargentinawithlove.typepad.com/from_argentina_with_love/2009/04/tuna-stuffed-tomatoestomates-rellenos.html

What are some of your ideas?

What you eat counts

I seem to have multiple conversations with my friends lately about what workouts are going to yield the most results.  What workouts are going to help you to lose weight the fastest.     The short answer is this:  None of them.   I am not saying that the calorie burn will be the same for yoga as it is for circuit training.   That would be ludicrous.   There is nothing better than diving into a sweat-inducing, butt-kicking workout.   You will feel better, stronger.   Your mood will lift, and hopefully your butt will too!    

Almost every article I read however, tells me that weight loss is about 80/20.  80 percent what you eat, and 20 percent how active you are.   I am using that statistic somewhat lightly, there is not a black and white.  I have read 85/15, 90/10, and even 70/30.   The reason that there is not an exact clear cut answer is because we do not all fit into one mold.    But regardless of which statistic you are, 90/10 or 70/30, the point is staying at a healthy weight, or losing weight is mostly about what you put into your body.

Think about it.  It will take me approximately 2 minutes to eat 3 Samoas (my favorite girl scout cookie).  That is 210 calories.   It would then take me an hour of yoga, 30 minutes of cardio, or 25 minutes of circuit training to then burn off those 3 cookies.  See how much damage 2 minutes can do? 

On top of those astonishing numbers working out makes you hungry, especially when you first start working out.  I have a very dear friend, who has really started to turn her life around, and her biggest problem was that if she did a really great workout... she was starving for the rest of the day.  There is no cushy answer to this problem.  I told her, and I will tell you now.  You have to suck it up.   Change is not always comfortable, but it is good.

Bottom line:   Put the fork down.  And, no sorry but you cannot do an amazingly hard workout and then assume you can eat whatever you want for the rest of the day.

Question 1

One of the questions that I am asked a lot by my friends and loved ones is....  What workout is the best?  Or what workout is going to get me the results I want?  Where do I start when choosing a workout?  Ok, so that is three questions, but I think I can answer them all today.

Try anything, try biking, running, dvds, the elliptical, the arc trainer, playing outside.  The worst thing you can do is try nothing.  When you are just starting out working out is going to be hard.  No one ever said that working out is going to be easy.  Sitting is easy, working out is challenging.  In my opinion, it is challenging in a good way.

You have to be willing to put in the effort, sweat, embarrass yourself, and go so far out of you comfort zone that you are making a change.  As Jillian Michaels would say  "You can't phone it in."   It is so true, you cannot phone it in.  You want results you have to put the work in.  

There I was sweating into the carpet holding two eight pound dumbbells over my head I was holding myself in a squat that I had been holding for what felt like 5 straight minutes.  My quads are shaking, my arms are shaking, and my head is screaming at me that I cannot do it anymore, I will not make it through the next set.  I glance up at the tv to give Bob (Bob Harper from the Biggest Loser. I was doing his new cardio workout) a dirty look.   As I am looking up he so graciously reminds me that I have been surrounded by lies. "what is a ten minute workout?"  he challenges,  "That is not going to get you the results you want.  A ten minute workout is a warmup."  Forgive me because I did paraphrase him, but it really struck a cord.  I stopped giving him a dirty look and tried to focus.  So when Bob told me to take my shaking, sweating over worked legs and jump in that squat.  I did.

My conclusion: (ok let's pull a statistic out of my butt here)  90% of working out is sticking with it.   If you don't pick a workout you love you will never stick with it.   If you don't stick with it, you won't get results.  Simple enough.

Here are my guidelines for finding a workout and doing you love:

1.  Try, try, try.  There is no harm in trying a lot of different workouts until you find a few you like.  Be prepared to feel foolish until you learn the new skills you need.
2.  Pick a trainer who can motivate you even on your bad days.
3.  Just get up off the couch, and do it.

The Workout DVDaholics guide to well everything....

I have to admit that I am workoutDVDaholic.  I will try anything once, and I mean anything.  I don't think there is one workout dvd that I have had in my hands and not tried.  I also make use of the free workouts that come "on demand" whenever I feel like mixing things up.  I devour anything fitness and health related I can get my hands on.  I read Self, shape and fitness from cover to cover every month.  I keep a running list of new workout DVDs I want to try, and new exercise equipment that I would love to own.    I know how many calories are in most foods, and what the benefits of their certain nutrients are.   It sounds like an obsession I know, but really it is a hobby that I absolutely love.   Working out is my stress reliever, it gives me energy, resets my mood, and gives me a great start to the day.

I feel like there may be some people who are misconstruing what I want to say here.  I want  am going to clarify.  I am not obsessed with my weight, or being too thin.  I have had times in my life where I did have some extra weight to lose (I gained way too much weight during my second pregnancy and it took a year of struggling to get it off.) but really now working out for me is something I enjoy.    I am perfectly happy with myself, and my body the way it is.   I just want to live a long and healthy life, and I believe that working out is part of that.

Where does all this come from?  It started when I was little.  My mom was an avid exerciser and I grew up doing Jane Fonda in my Daffy duck leotard and leg warmers in the living room with her.  In my family we are what I like to call "healthy sweaters."  A topic that I will touch on later.  To this day I love working out with a partner or a friend.  The conversation, and the camaraderie makes the workout so much fun, and sometimes even more rewarding.  

I was told a long time ago that I am person who needs variety, I need flavor, spice, and excitement.  For example,  I do not like Hershey bars.  I never have.  I find them to be sad, drab little excuses for chocolate with very little taste and poor melting quality.  If I am going to eat plain chocolate with nothing in it I will go for the good stuff godiva, lindt or even dove.    More than likely though I will indulge in something with a little flavor, mint or caramel or peanuts.    Why eat a Hershey bar when you can have a Twix, or York Peppermint Patty?   (Sorry this was a little off the subject, but the tangent in my head fit my need for variety in workouts to my need to variety in life.)

I think this need for variety is why I have never joined a gym.   I would love to take the classes, but they are expensive, and most of the workout stuff I have at home I have asked for for birthdays or Christmas, thus keeping my cost down.   And also, I really hate the thought of say going on the elliptical everyday for an hour.  I would love to do it once in awhile, but I couldn't everyday.

What is the point of all this?  Why am I sharing the back story of all this stuff?  I am asked questions all the time by my friends, and family about fitness and health related stuff.  Through those questions I have discovered that I have something to say.   I have pearls of wisdom itching to come out.   My advice is well researched, although not expert advice, and I am ok with that.  I also have this blog where I am allowed to share whatever I want, and I think I feel a string of blogs coming.

So, what are your questions?  I will do my best to answer them, and research them.  Want to know if a workout dvd is good?  I will try it for you and review it.   Need to know why cherries are good for you?  I have the answer and if I don't then I will figure it out.   :)  

The Old Man at the Post Office

I went to the post office today at the worst possible time.  Lunch.  I know I probably should have waited and gone later, but it was the only hour I had in my day to get there, and so I went.  When I walked in the door there were probably about 10 people in line in front of me, and within 2 minutes there was another 10 behind me.   As always when you are waiting in line somewhere their is just an air of impatience that surrounds most people.   Everyone has to be there, but no one really wants to be there, and that ends in grumpy impatient people.

Today, in line ahead of me was this little old man with a cane.  He was hobbling through the line, and grumbling to himself.  He was not wearing a wedding ring, and his coat looked expensive, but frayed at the edges. He had asked to speak to a supervisor and was waiting.  I am not really sure why that required waiting in line, but he was back in line anyways.  After another 10 minutes or so the supervisor comes out to talk to him.  I have nothing to do at this point but stand there and listen, so I do.  

Let me start off by saying that the supervisor comes out with a chip on her shoulder.  The little old man starts in that he is concerned.  That he always meets the mail man at the mailbox at 11:00, and it has been that way for years, and that all of a sudden he is not showing up until at least 2:00, sometimes as late as 5:00.  She listens for a minute to this old man and basically let loose on him.  She doesn't hear his complaint, she doesn't see his thoughts.  She sees him as this old man who has nothing better to do than come in and complain about his mail delivery.

I watched as the mans shoulders slumped down slightly as she puts him down, and tells him that they have until 5:00 to deliver the mail.  If he doesn't like that she is sorry.  He turns to walk out of the building and she rolls her eyes and storms back to the office in the back. 

How sad that he was overlooked.  How sad that she didn't recognize that this man is probably lonely.  That meeting the mailman at 11:00 might be the best part of his whole day.    It is a lesson that you never know who you are going to deal with, and if you can remember to meet each person with a little understanding and a little grace you can make someone's day.  You can make that person feel heard, or validated, or special instead of overlooked.

I was in bed this morning relaxing in the warmth of my covers and thinking about how much I didn't want to have to get up when the alarm started to go off.  Bill has to let his alarm go off about 100 times before he can actually get out of bed.  Since I am not the same way, all that means is I get to like awake for an extra 20 minutes that I could still be sleeping.  (And he wonders why sometimes I am grumpy in the morning!)

Technically speaking, I could sleep in until just before 7:00, but Bill gets up at 5:50 to get showered and out the door by 6:35.   Most days I would just lie in bed, and sometimes read to kill the time since I had already woken up anyways, but last week my friend Jenney suggested I start getting up and doing my workout in the morning instead of waiting until later in the day.   I was up already, and I it would make my day easier.  The thought of getting up early was a little daunting, but I used to get up and workout in the morning in high school and college.  Why couldn't I do it now?

The very same night I went to bed wearing shorts and a tank top, I left my socks, shoes, hair tie, and sports bra right out on the dresser.  I laid my weights out in front of the tv, and put the DVD into the xbox before I even went to bed.  I even picked a workout that was difficult, but not so difficult that I would want to stop and go back to bed.  I really had NO excuse not to get up and workout.    The alarm went off as usual, and I slid out of bed, threw in my contacts, got dressed and went down stairs. 

My body felt slow and uncoordinated.  I soon discovered that working out at 5:50 in the morning requires much more concentration to complete the moves with any sort of coordination.   But I pushed through my workout, and before I knew it I was done for the day.  I showered, and got ready to go.  I have to admit that it was so nice to have it done, and know that my day could not get busy or interupted and my workout would get pushed aside.  No one could take away that uninterrupted hour of what I call "unselfish me time"

Today is day 6 of getting up and working out in the morning.  (For those of you who are doing the math, yes I did get up Saturday and Sunday early as well.  Sunday I get up at 6:00 for work, so I didn't workout but it is my day off and I still got up.)  Only 15 more days until it is officially registered as a habit!

And today I discovered one more thing I can do at 5:50 in the morning.  Burpees!

Bringing back old school

I don't think it surprises many people out there to learn that I, for the most part, don't swear.  I have my moments I am human, but most of the time I keep it clean.  Last night while watching the Red Wings play, after the words fellas, stop playing with fire, and butthole escaped my lips I realized that I am actually quite funny.   (I am at least funny to myself since the only one around to listen to my awesome remarks was my husband, and let's face it he wasn't listening.)

I have been known to use the words:  fellas, shenanigans, jeepers, fresh and swell on a regular basis.  There is an even longer list of words that I use occasionally that includes but is not limited to dude, a drag, sharp, bees knees, dork, and wicked..   As I sat on my couch laughing at myself it occurred to me that I use a lot of "old-timer" words, and I would like to bring back some of those words.   I get this I think from my Mom's mom, aka Nanny.  My Nanny has been known to call herself a dumb dora, tell me my outfit is sharp and refer to restaurants as the bees knees.   See!  It is in my genes to use words like that!

Here is a list of words that were used in decades past, and then my two top picks for what to bring back.

Groovy
Fellas
Sharp
Cornhole
Swell
Fresh
Bogus
Dork
Wicked
Gnarly
Dweeb
Jeepers
Shenanigans
Shucks
Daddy-o
All that and a bag of chips
Aiight
word
banging
slammin
sickatating
ghetto blaster
sock hop
aces
clam-bake
making whopee
fuddy-duddy
rug cutter
threads
bird brain
fly
hip
screwin the pooch
square
a gas
dip stick
have a cow
a drag
far out
going steady
heavy

I have chosen to bring back the following:  tomfoolery and poppycock.  I think those words fit into the categories of funny and useful.    I can use these words while parenting on a daily basis, my kids can laugh, and I can get my point across.

What "old-timer" words are you going to bring back?

Joggers thoughts.

 Running is not my thing.  I love cross training, cardio, yoga, weight training, and I love pushing my body to the limit, but I HATE running.  I feel like I need to get into running because I think I would really love it, and it is a great calorie burn.

Ok, so what is stopping me from running? 

1.  No one is with me, and I used to walk/jog with my mom so I was used to having someone to talk to. 
2.  My ipod shuffle is in need of a charge, and a redo on the song list. 
3.  I need to push myself far enough that I will actually achieve a runners high. 
4.  I need to have the confidence that I can do it.

I know it seems odd that I would be mentioning confidence, but I am getting to that part. 

Last week, I recharged and reorganized the song list for my shuffle.    I was really excited to use it, and yesterday I dusted off my outside sneakers and hit the pavement.   First, Bill and I went for a walk together it was nice to just get on the road with him and get a chance to talk.  Then after that I grabbed my ipod and went out for a run on my own.  Before you get too excited I only jogged 2 miles.   But I did it I jogged. 

I started off jogging for a few minutes and then power walking for a few.   My power walking is more like power dancing though since I have a dance jog.   You can ask my mom, she always said I was really sporty but I ran like a girl.  I am taking that as a compliment.  :)

Two songs in I start to think.  That is right, I completely miss the point of getting lost in the music and pounding my feet into the pavement.  I think.    I have a complete philosophical conversation with myself about confidence levels in myself and people around me.    I realize with a huff that although I have a lot of confidence in a lot of areas in my life this is one place where I apparently need some.  This conversation with myself only lasts one song before I realize that I need to just do this.  I gave myself a goal of two miles and I am going to do two miles. 

I start going a bit faster pumping my arms to the beat, and I am off.     Step, step, step, step.   The cold air is stinging my lungs, my eyes and my nose.   A few songs later I am home, and glancing at the clock.  22 minutes, 2 miles. 

Ok, so I didn't get a runner's high, but I didn't hate it.

Winner

I have to take a moment to share with you the sheer genius that I am.   

Today is "that day" we have all had these days, but today is mine.  I already knew before I went to bed last night that I was in for the long haul today.  It is my turn to take all the kids to the bus stop, I have work,  I have to go to the store, I have to go to Phebe's school to meet with her teacher, and then I am helping lead the girl scout meeting.  By the time I get home we will have just enough time to eat and finish homework before the kids have to head off for showers and bedtime.

I showered last night because I wanted to sleep in today, I was very excited that I did not have to get up until 7:00.  For most of you 7:00 is not sleeping in, but for me it is.  If I get to sleep until 7:00 without interruption it is going to be a good morning. 

7:00 didn't happen.  I woke up at 6:05 as soon as Bill got out of the shower this morning.  He was not being particularly loud, the fan was on, and he was even thoughtful enough to close the bathroom door all the way before he turned the light on, but despite that I was up.  For a moment, I thought I have a busy day today, I should get up and workout.  I have the time.   But that thought was fleeting, and instead I just stayed in the warm cocoon of covers.  I did spend a good 20 minutes just praying, and that was time well spent, but then I turned on the tv and watched a few minutes of The Real Housewives just because it was on, and I think that might have negated the praying.

Samantha rolled out of bed at 7:00, bounded right into my room  and we got our morning going.  We got everything done in more than enough time.  Phebe even got up right away.  I made it to the bus stop with time to spare, and I even had time to stop for a decaf coffee on the way in to the office.   I start to think that my day is looking up, but here is where I decide to make my life harder.

I spill my coffee all down the front of my white shirt.  I now have to tackle two meetings and girl scouts covered in coffee. 

Don't panic, I am thinking, there is a sink here, and even bleach, and soap.  This is something I can take care of.  I slip into the bathroom and put on a zip up hoodie I happen to have, and zip it up all the way.  (and yes, I feel naked and slutty, but I am the only one here today so I can deal with it.)  I wash all the decaf off of the shirt, bleach a few spots and towel dry it the best I can.

Back in my office, I set my shirt on the heating vent, and in about 30 minutes it is dry, and I am excited.  I am even feeling a little smug.  I tacked that problem, and I tackled it well.  I pick it up and..... it is covered in dead ants because I am a genius and I forgot that we sprayed that corner for ants last week.  Great, now I am stuck in this awesome hoodie until I can get to the store and purchase a new shirt before I go meet with Phebe's teacher.  Let's hope I get out of work on time to get a shirt.

My only consoling thought right now is that Charlie Sheen would probably still call me a winner.

Spring cleaning arrives a bit early

There is nothing better than the eminent arrival of Spring to make you want a cleaner house.  I have no idea why Spring makes me want to be cleaner.  I am already a very clean person.  My whole house is cleaned, scrubbed, dusted and disinfected every week.  But this week I am cleaning out all the closets, getting bags ready to be donated, reorganizing the toys, catching up on laundry and mending.   You name it, if I haven't had time to do it, or I lacked the motivation to do it over the winter, I am doing it now.  

I think that all of this cleanliness is also in preparation for my least favorite thing about Spring..  I love that in Spring the air warms up and that crisp, cold winter air slowly becomes warmer, more balmy.   I HATE the mud, everything in spring starts off so brown and muddy.   My kids drag it in the house, my dog drags it in the house, and I spend 2 long months cleaning the front room over and over again to get rid of the mud.  I have decided that I really need to clean out my garage so that we can set up a mud room in there this year.  I would love to have a place where my kids can hang up their snow clothes, and leave their boots before they come in the house.   I can see it now, the thought of a mud room makes me extremely happy.

This is all of course a preliminary to other things I do every spring like clean out all the kitchen cupboards and scrub the windows down inside and out, and of course wash the curtains and stuff.

I know it all sounds a little crazy, but I love it.   You know what they say, a clean home makes you happy, healthy and more productive.    Let's hope that the productiveness stays all summer long!

A word about grieving

Grieving is a tricky thing.  Everyone has to grieve at some point in their lives, and we each grieve in our own way.  There is no one right way to grieve, and there is no circumstance, in my opinion, where grieving is not an option.   

Grieving I realize, is a very strong word, but I am using it loosely here.   Maybe you are grieving the loss of someone, maybe you are lamenting that your job is terrible, maybe you are angry that you were slighted.   I think that all those things fall under some sort of grieving.   The only other word I could use is complaining, but I don’t like that word.  Complaining is always viewed as negative and a waste of time, whereas grieving can be cathartic and even healthy.

So, why am I touching on this subject today?  I am not particularly having a bad day, I don’t have complaints about my life.  I have a beautiful, wonderful life.  (are you sensing the but here?)   BUT, I did go to a funeral last night, that was one of the saddest and most tragic funerals I have ever been to, and I had a Relay for Life meeting.  We also have had to make several hard decision in our lives lately, and for some reason I was feeling guilty about grieving.   All of those things started me thinking, and for me thinking leads to blogging.

To further explain this rant, I have to give you an example.  If a man breaks up with a woman because she is not the one, I still give him full rights to grieve.  He can be sad, and miss that woman even if breaking up with her was the right thing to do.  If a woman makes a decision to not have any babies, or another baby she still has full rights to grieve.  She can be sad that she won’t experience those things even if she knows it is the right decision for her.  If you hate your job and you need to grieve the fact that you do.  Fine, do it. 

I am not the person to condemn the griever.  In fact, I really dislike it when people do just that.  I realize that there is always someone out there that has it worse than you, and there is always someone out there that has it better than you.  I think that goes for every single person on the planet.    That does not take away your right to grieve things in your own life. 

So, why the blog?  I am giving myself, you, and everyone else out there the right to grieve.  No one gave me that power.  I just sort of took it.   But if my subconscious that is filled with some pretty awesome irish-catholic guilt has the power to take away my right to grieve I most certainly have the right to give it back. 

The actual Snowstorm

I am sitting with my daughters who are both happy and playing together which is a miracle in and of itself.  I have a few minutes and I want to blog, but I find that I have a lot of little things to say today, but not one specific goal.  I like to blog about something specific, to take a stand, or make a statement.  Today, however, I will not meet that goal.  I am happy just to have a blog done.

Let me start off by saying, I am really glad Phebe is home today, but I did not see a reason for a snow day at all.  The roads are fine, and the bus could have easily gotten through the subdivision.   I do not understand at all what happened with all the snow.  This was the actual snomageddon.   Last time just prepared us for this.  Back to Phebe, I am really enjoying having her home.  She has been an incredible big sister the past few days, and has been playing with Samantha, and even helping to watch Parker when he is over.  I love to hear her laugh, and have her around the house.  I really miss her during the school year.

Having the kids get along so well frees up a lot of time for me to get stuff done.   I want to edit my novel, and start to cultivate ideas for the next one I want to write.  I want to blog, and read interesting blogs, and read a book.   When it comes down to it though, I am doing the laundry, and re-cleaning the floor that I just cleaned because someone else dragged mud in, cooking meals, and cleaning stuff up.

I have given myself a goal to edit 1 Chapter this week, and finish reading 1 book.  The editing that I have to do this week is all content based.   Then I have to go back and edit overused words, and whatnot.   I am reading 3 books right now.   The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Dante's Inferno, and Mrs. Dalloway.  I think that my goal this week is to finish Dante's Inferno, I am close to the end of this one, and then I can cross it off of my list.  :)

Speaking of lists.... I am off to make one!

Snow

I don't particularly have anything going on right now.  Things always seem quiet in January and February even when I am busy.   Something about the snow and the cold that just makes everything seem slightly different.  Last week, I had an extremely bad virus which rendered me completely useless.   Basically, I spent several days not able to move, and then the rest of the week I was miserable, but still going about my days.

I am currently just finishing up with my day.  The kids are in bed, the snow is rapidly falling outside and I am just about to watch The Biggest Loser with Bill all cuddled up on the couch.   I just thought that it would be the perfect opportunity to update the world on my New year's resolution list that I posted a month ago.   I have not forgotten about my lofty goals, and I have actually started on all of them already.

Here is the list again and you will find my updates in blue.

1.  Learn how to rewire an outlet and a light switch.  I read about this online and learned what to do.  I am sure that I will actually KNOW what to do once I can do it myself.  Hands on always helps you retain the information better, but at least I researched it.
2.  Learn to speak Italian, and Gaelic.  I know 4 words in Italian and 3 in Gaelic.  This doesn't count.
3.  Keep yoga in my workout regime at least once a week.  So far so good!
4.  Finish Nanowrimo again.
5.  Finish editing my first two novels.
6.  Have a baby.
7.  Paint my kitchen, hallway, and bathrooms.
8.  Finish the downstairs bathroom.
9.  Sell some of the stuff in my house that I really don't need, or donate it to someone who does need it.
10.  Read the entire bible through again.  Thus far, I am caught up in my One Year Bible!
11.  Live my life with intention every moment of every day.  This is a good one, I am glad it is on here.  :)  I must have been thinking that day.
12.  Write 10 poems that are infinitely better than the ones I wrote in high school.
13.  Pray everyday for at least 20 minutes.  Done.
14.  Enjoy the small moments with my kids while they are still kids.
15.  Eat healthy, and workout.  It is my me time and I deserve it.
16.  Read at least 12 books off of my lofty, and snobby book list known as the SRP list.  I have read 4 books since the last week of January, but only 1.5 of those have been of my SRP list so far.
17.  Streamline my life.  This is done, but I have to make sure it is still streamlined as the year goes on.
18.  Try a few new recipes each month to add to my list of favorites.  This month I tried this new Italian chicken crock pot recipe that was both delicious and very healthy.  I loved it.
19.  Learn how to use my sewing machine.  FINALLY.
20.  Take a road trip somewhere.

EDIT:

21.  Finish at least 1 scrapbook.
22.  Give up diet coke.  Done, I have not had caffeine or diet coke in 2 weeks, I don't want it, I am not craving it.  I am OVER it!
23.  Find the perfect desk organizer.

Sun butter, peanut butter and the like

There is a new hurdle for parents to cross when it comes to packing lunches.  Most schools nowadays are putting the nix on peanuts, peanut butter or tree nuts of any kind.  Some schools are even going as far as saying that you cannot pack your child something that was created in a factory that has processed peanuts.   I have a bit of a sarcastic comment when I state, what if I make it in a kitchen that also processes peanut butter sandwiches?

I have no problem with this for the most part.  Does it make it more difficult to come up with things to pack for my kids in their lunches?  Yes.  Does my daughter constantly lament that fact that she does not get to have peanut butter?  Yes.  But I understand that there are a few kids out there that are SO allergic to peanuts that they cannot have it even in the air.  I respect that.   I don't put peanuts, peanut butter, tree nuts or the like in the lunches that I pack.  I don't want anyone getting sick, and I think it is healthy for my daughter to learn to put her own wants aside to protect the health of some of her friends.

The problem lies in the fact that there is no way for the schools to really regulate this, not sending peanuts in is left up to the honor system for the most part.   They asked us not to do it, and we are supposed to listen.  I do.  I listen.   I have bought a new kind of granola bar, and I make bagels and cream cheese, or turkey sandwiches instead of your typical PBandJ.  The new rules have even forced Phebe, my daughter, and I to be creative.  We bought a thermos and she packs soup, mac and cheese, leftovers, and even oatmeal.  There are parents that don't follow these directions.  My favorite example is of one family that has one daugther who cannot have peanuts, and their other daughter who brings a bag of peanuts in her lunch every day.  Way to advocate your own cause, right?

No comes the beef.  Excuse me, but I do NOT appreciate getting a note home saying that you, the lunch mom, assume that the granola bar I packed has nuts in it.  It does not.  I am not stupid. (You might be a few crayons short of a box since it said right on the granola bar DOES NOT CONTAIN NUTS.) I am following your no peanut laws and I do not appreciate you sending her lunch back with a little note telling me that my daughter was not allowed to finish her lunch, and to stop sending peanuts in.  If they had just put away the granola bar it would have been one thing, but she was not allowed to finish her apple, or her granolar bar which means she only made it through a yogurt.  I should send a note attached to my daughter.  "Dear Lunch Mom, I would appreciate it if you sent me home with a happy, and fed child just as I sent her to you.   Yesterday's version was cranky, starving, and hard to get along with.  Thanks.  The nonpeanut packing mom"

Phebe and I have discovered now, SunButter.  It is basically just like peanut butter, goes great on sandwiches, tastes good with jelly or honey, and is delicious on an apple.  The best part, it is sunflower seeds and is even processed in a plant that does not process nuts or tree nuts.  Oh Happy day!  Let's just hope that nosy Lunch Mom keeps her nose out of my kids lunch.

How to know when you read too many books

Tania and I settled on the books we were going to start off with for SRP (the snobby list of books I want to read) we picked 12 books, her list is not the exact same as mine, as she assigned me a few books that she wants me to read, and I assigned her a few books that I want her to read.

I went on to amazon to order the first few books, and to order the book that we are reading for book club this month.  Much to my dismay, the book that was chosen is new and only available in hardcover.  I am against this for so many reasons.  First, I can buy only the one book for $18, and I like to find a deal.  I get this happy, warm and excited feeling when I find a good book that is cheap, on sale, and I can get free super saver shipping on. (At this point, I agree with your thoughts I am insane.  It is true.)

Anyways, that part of the story is not that important, I made my amazon order sans the hardcover book and vowed to talk about it the next day (today) with Tania and make sure that we were actually going to read that book.  I am glad today that I didn't order the book because we decided not to read it after all. 

Instead, Tania and I researched a few books online and, as instructed by Pilar, picked another nondescript, and fun to read girlie type book.    I was actually excited about it.  After setting up the long list of daunting books that I am going to read this year, the idea of reading some easy chick-lit sounded great.  On top of that, we picked a new author who I haven't read before, and I am always excited about adding another author to my list.

I left work right on time, with enough time to make it to the storeI drove to Target, where I had some shopping to do, and they were supposed to have the book, but they didn't.    I glance at the clock, 1:18, I can make it to borders to get the book and still make it home on time to get my workout in right at 2:00 as planned.   Samantha and I hop into the car and drive to Borders to discover that it closes in 24 hours, and they have about 15 books left.  1:40.   Ok, I really can make it to Barnes and Noble, and then home.  I don't have any other time to get the book, and I have to workout. 

Samantha and I run into Barnes and Noble, and I find the last copy of the book that they have, and I snatch it up excited that I will make it home for my workout.    We pay and drive home.  I am elated. 

The rest of my afternoon was actually completely amazing.  I got home, got an entire hour long workout in.  Fed my family, and then spent a blissful hour and a half reading (I had a book to finish before starting the new one).  As if this blissful hour and half was not enough my family was still off playing and entertaining themselves. 

I took a bath.  That is right a hot, bubble bath.  That is the most frivolous thing I have ever heard of, and I loved every second of it.   I am now settled on the couch, kids in bed relaxed laughing at myself.

I am laughing because it turns out the book that I drove all over town to get..... I have read it before.  It was years ago, and on vacation.   I didn't quite remember the story, but about 30 pages in it all came flooding back.  I have read it.   I know what happens, who ends up where and what they are doing.  Guess I didn't really need to drive to all those stores now did I?

The New Year peeks its head in...

I love the whole Christmas season.  Everything is busy, and happy and family comes in to see you, and people are surrounded by love and happiness.  We had an amazing and very blessed Christmas, it was amazing to have the whole family home, and just all be together.  It was great to have Phebe home for a few weeks, and spend tons of time with her and Samantha.  I just loved it.  But that is not really what this post is about.

This post is about New Year's and the resolutions that we all make.   I find that most people feel very excited about the new year, and they make these lofty goals that they will meet for the new year, and of course, after two weeks most people don't meet these goals.  I have decided I am going to make a list of all the things that are basic to somewhat lofty even stuff that I will not ever accomplish this year, but I want to do them, and I am adding them to the list anyways.  This is my resolution.  I am not going to meet most of them, but I am going to try.   And I think it is important to have goals.  These are also in no particular order, just added randomly, and I only included 20, but I can always add if I think of something else.

1.  Learn how to rewire an outlet and a light switch.
2.  Learn to speak Italian, and Gaelic.
3.  Keep yoga in my workout regime at least once a week.
4.  Finish Nanowrimo again.
5.  Finish editing my first two novels.
6.  Have a baby.
7.  Paint my kitchen, hallway, and bathrooms.
8.  Finish the downstairs bathroom.
9.  Sell some of the stuff in my house that I really don't need, or donate it to someone who does need it.
10.  Read the entire bible through again.
11.  Live my life with intention every moment of every day.
12.  Write 10 poems that are infinitely better than the ones I wrote in high school.
13.  Pray everyday for at least 20 minutes.
14.  Enjoy the small moments with my kids while they are still kids.
15.  Eat healthy, and workout.  It is my me time and I deserve it.
16.  Read at least 12 books off of my lofty, and snobby book list known as the SRP list.
17.  Streamline my life.
18.  Try a few new recipes each month to add to my list of favorites.
19.  Learn how to use my sewing machine.  FINALLY.
20.  Take a road trip somewhere.

EDIT:

21.  Finish at least 1 scrapbook.
22.  Give up diet coke.
23.  Find the perfect desk organizer.

I fail my own challenge

 This blog is actually, about 2 weeks old now, but for some reason it never posted, and I felt like it would be nice for it to have made it to the actual blog.  Following blog notwithstanding I am fine.  It was just a bad day, and bad days happen.  :)


So, I am about to embark on one of the best kinds of blogs.  The kind that you write during a complete mental breakdown where you know you are going to write stuff that doesn't make any sense, and that people will get that small window into your mind, you know the place, the deep dark place where all the jumbled up messes sit that you have not had a chance to deal with yet. 

I am a dweller as well.   One small thing can start the mental breakdown, and then I tend to cry about every little thing that has been bothering me.     Really, the whole crying thing started because I was overwhelmed in the moment, and I asked Bill to help me and he was grumpy about it.  We bought some packages of this plastic stuff that you shrink wrap over your windows to help hold the heat in, and stuff.  Well, it says that it is easy to do, but it is not as easy as it looks.  The good news is the house IS warmer, and we got the windows done.  The bad news is that it took hours, and duct tape.  Lots of duct tape.  I could feel myself teetering on the edge of sanity, and knew it was coming.    He did get up and come downstairs to help me, but one thing went wrong, he got so grumpy, and my mental breakdown began.

 I am very sure this breakdown was somewhat entertaining for other people.  I am on the last two windows, and I have duct tape and plastic stuck to my foot and to my hand, and I cannot get it off, and I cannot rip the peace of duct tape, and tears are streaming down my face.   That is about when I gave up and ask for Bill's help.  He is grumpy, and I begrudgingly keep going and try to hang the plastic on the windows trying to see through the tears and trying not to let it go so long that I cannot do it anymore because the thought if having to hang up more plastic tomorrow is a thought that I cannot bear.

I allowed myself to enter that deep, dark place of emotions that I haven't had a chance to deal with.  And thus ensues the 2 hours of crying and poor Bill was just there watching with a loss of what to do.  I got to cry about all the things that I needed to cry about, and I let it all out, and once it was all said and done things felt better.