My voice is hoarse, and my arm is tired from holding up the same book for the last fifteen minutes. The girls are warm and limp as they sink into me listening to the words I bring to life off of the page. I am surprised as I read, because it is not me I hear, but my parents.
It was my mom tonight. It is her voice that comes out of my mouth telling the tales of Frog and Toad, and Charlie and Lola. Calm and soothing. Never impatient, always soft. Other nights, it is my dad soft and warm, but with an excitement to it. I never knew when he would make me laugh with Dindercella and her Gairy Fodmother, or Green Eggs and Ham. I feel the same electricity with my daughters as the giggles rise to just below the surface slowly bubbling up until they are shaking with giggles.
I wonder sometimes if these moments mean as much to my daughters as they do to me. But they don't at least, not yet.... I know that they are not hanging on to every moment. I know they don't have the same urgency that I do. I know that they are not counting the days left until high school, or prom, until they drive, until they move out. But, in case you were wondering I do know this: The moments mean everything.
When my kids are sick, and I am pushing the hair out of their eyes, taking their temperature, and nursing them back to health I see my mom in me. It is her hands, her eyes, her gentleness, her prayers that I am bringing. I am passing on the comfort that only my mom can bring.
When they come home from school crying because their little hearts are broken it is my dads arms that I wrap around them surrounding them in safety, and comfort ensuring them that everything will be ok. I am giving them a place they can always turn to. No matter what the issue, no matter what the problem. They will have a place to turn. I am passing on the love my dad has given me.
When we dance around the kitchen dancing, and singing, and praising I am bringing a sense of fun. The same fun that my mom used to cheer me up no matter what the circumstances. The same sense of fun that meant that mistakes were forgiven, and that being yourself is always better than being someone else.
When we play a game of family hide and seek in the dark, or all snuggle on the couch watching a family movie I am bringing a sense of belonging. I am giving them a sense of family. The sense of family that my dad always taught me was so important.
Most importantly, these moments brought me an understanding of a God that loves unconditionally, a God that provides, a God that walks alongside me, a God that is steadfast and a God that is so full of grace and love! This lesson is invaluable. This lesson is irreplaceable.
In case you were wondering: These moments mean everything. The feeling of my hand in my dads, so strong and sure. My moms hands as they softly wiped the tears from my face. The sound of their voices and they guided me, read to me, and urged me to be who God called me to be. The sense of belonging that has extended from me to my husband, and to my daughters.
It may not seem important to them now, but my daughters will remember just like I do. They won't forget. And one day, hopefully, as they sit reading to their children it will be my voice that pours from their mouths.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Monday, November 2, 2015
A day in the life
It is funny how much I thought I was ready for Nano (National novel writing month www.nanowrimo.org) this year. I think this is the first year since I started, seven years ago, that I actually thought to myself "hey I got this." I know what I want to write about. I have my characters names. I have a notebook full of scene ideas, and little details I want to include. I know, having done it before, that I can in fact write 50,000 words in one month. I have never been this prepared to start a novel before. Never. Everything was great until I sat down at the computer, fingers poised, ready to write. And....crickets. Where are all the words? Where are all the complete thoughts and the hilarious scenes bursting to get out of my brain and on to the page? Again, crickets.
Perhaps it is the constant distraction of voices. Thank you dear daughters for always interrupting when I am just about to hit a pivotal plot point because you have an imaginary cut on your finger. There is nothing more important to me than that imaginary cut, but since it is not real can it wait? Once we deal with said cut and your irrational fear of bandaids you need water, or you need me to feed you. Yes, I haven't forgotten! There is a stale cheerio on the floor upstairs. Help yourself! (Kidding, I feed my kids!)
Perhaps it is the glow of social media. Thank you facebook, pinterest, twitter and instagram for always allowing me to be distracted from what I actually want to be doing. I am incredibly thankful that I can always rely on you to be a total time suck wherein I will wake from a social media slumber to realize I have gotten nothing done, and I have nothing to show for my time.
Perhaps it is my actual life that gets in the way. Working 3 jobs and running laundry, helping with homework, and running everyone to all their after school activities. You know what I am talking about. The daily grind, man. Don't you hate it when your real life gets in the way and you cannot just read and write all day?
The bottom line is, I met my word count goal for the last two days. Yay! I fed my kids (the dog ate the cheerio), and now I have the next four hours until they go to bed to engage and play and be present with them. It is important to me that my girls see that I do things for myself. I want them to know that dreams are important. I want them to know that you can have passions and balance your life. I want them to see me writing. I want them to know that even if I never get published or recognized that it doesn't matter. I am a writer at heart, and I write for me.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Go ahead I am not looking
I am at the table, and the forks are going.....slowly. I am officially "that mom" I have pulled out the laptop at the dinner table while my child is still eating. *Sigh*
Not that I have to defend myself, but I have been sitting here for 45 minute while my 3-year-old tries to eat approximately 4 tablespoons of shepherds pie that I made from scratch. She is licking her fork, climbing on her chair, and humming a song from My Little Pony. Basically, she is doing everything except eating. She is not talking anymore other than the "can I be done yet?" that comes from her corner of the table every few seconds. Don't worry child I am happy to remind you again that you have to eat a few bites before you get down from the table.
Why the laptop you ask? It is not out of sheer boredom, or out of annoyance. Both of which I have been at dinner sometimes. It is hard not to be annoyed sometimes when you put you love, sweat and tears into dinner to be met with so much disappointment.
I am happy to say it is not everyday! Most of the time at dinner I get to sit at the table and talk to my girls. We talk about the best and worst parts of our day. We laugh, We tell jokes. Alas, not tonight folks. Tonight, the dining room table was filled with dirty looks, and tears that threatened to spill out because I dared to put food on the table that did not resemble macaroni and cheese, or hotdogs! The horror!
I pulled out the laptop because my youngest will only eat bites when she thinks I am not looking. If I so much as glance in her direction she makes a face. Parents, you know the face. The face that says "I think you might be secretly trying to kill me with dinner." Yes daughter, the delicious homemade food I made for our family might in fact jump right out of that bowl and bite you.
I am sure you have been there, and I know we all have but here is the thing... I am still going to be here darling. I still going to make dinner no matter how many faces you make. I am still going to ask that you at least try new things, because most of the time you like them. I know, call the food police, I want you to experience things!
But just for tonight....I won't look at you. Go ahead, pretend you hate dinner, and eat it when I am not looking.
EDIT: She ended up eating the entire bowl as long as I wasn't looking. :)
Not that I have to defend myself, but I have been sitting here for 45 minute while my 3-year-old tries to eat approximately 4 tablespoons of shepherds pie that I made from scratch. She is licking her fork, climbing on her chair, and humming a song from My Little Pony. Basically, she is doing everything except eating. She is not talking anymore other than the "can I be done yet?" that comes from her corner of the table every few seconds. Don't worry child I am happy to remind you again that you have to eat a few bites before you get down from the table.
Why the laptop you ask? It is not out of sheer boredom, or out of annoyance. Both of which I have been at dinner sometimes. It is hard not to be annoyed sometimes when you put you love, sweat and tears into dinner to be met with so much disappointment.
I am happy to say it is not everyday! Most of the time at dinner I get to sit at the table and talk to my girls. We talk about the best and worst parts of our day. We laugh, We tell jokes. Alas, not tonight folks. Tonight, the dining room table was filled with dirty looks, and tears that threatened to spill out because I dared to put food on the table that did not resemble macaroni and cheese, or hotdogs! The horror!
I pulled out the laptop because my youngest will only eat bites when she thinks I am not looking. If I so much as glance in her direction she makes a face. Parents, you know the face. The face that says "I think you might be secretly trying to kill me with dinner." Yes daughter, the delicious homemade food I made for our family might in fact jump right out of that bowl and bite you.
I am sure you have been there, and I know we all have but here is the thing... I am still going to be here darling. I still going to make dinner no matter how many faces you make. I am still going to ask that you at least try new things, because most of the time you like them. I know, call the food police, I want you to experience things!
But just for tonight....I won't look at you. Go ahead, pretend you hate dinner, and eat it when I am not looking.
EDIT: She ended up eating the entire bowl as long as I wasn't looking. :)
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
A Letter to my Daughters: 5 Things to Value over Beauty
Daughters,
You are amazing and gorgeous. You already are. It doesn't matter what you do, or what you become. It doesn't matter if you are a size 2, or size 16. It doesn't matter how tall you are, or how short you are. The color of your hair doesn't matter and neither does whether or not you choose to wear makeup. None of that really matters. Of course, I realize that this letter is falling on half deaf ears because society is going to tell you otherwise.
Society is going to hammer it into your beautiful impressionable brains that somehow beauty = worthiness. (Hint: it doesn't.)
You are going to hear a lot of garbage about what you should look like. From commercials, and ads to peer pressure, and even well meaning friends. Everyone will tell you what to look like, how to act and how to dress.
I am here to remind you of one thing. What you look like is NOTHING compared to who you actually are. Nothing.
So, while you are being bombarded with society's view on what is important here is a little reminder. Five things that, I believe, matter so much more than beauty does.
1. Compassion
I hope that you are each compassionate. I hope that you have the ability to love other people. To put yourselves in their shoes, and relate to them. I hope that you not only have the ability to put others needs in front of your own, but also I hope that you can have compassion for yourself.
2. Generosity
I hope that no matter what God gives to you, you will remember that living open-handed is so important. Share when you can. Give often of your time, and of your talents, and of whatever else you might have.
3. Acceptance
I hope that you live from a place of acceptance. Acceptance of who you are inside and out. Acceptance of your skills, and your shortcomings. Acceptance of other people, and their strengths even when they are greater than your own.
4. Passionate
I hope that you are passionate about something. I don't care if it is reading, writing, books, dancing, drama, sports, or anything else! I just hope that whatever you love, you do it! And I hope you live what you love passionately.
5. Faithful
I hope you have an abundance of faith. Faith in the grace that we have been given. I hope that you can live your lives out of that faith. Because my darling daughters, you were created in His image. You are forgiven, and you are saved. And when you start to understand the incredible gift that is, and how much you are already loved you can then live out of that grace filled love.
Love,
Mom
You are amazing and gorgeous. You already are. It doesn't matter what you do, or what you become. It doesn't matter if you are a size 2, or size 16. It doesn't matter how tall you are, or how short you are. The color of your hair doesn't matter and neither does whether or not you choose to wear makeup. None of that really matters. Of course, I realize that this letter is falling on half deaf ears because society is going to tell you otherwise.
Society is going to hammer it into your beautiful impressionable brains that somehow beauty = worthiness. (Hint: it doesn't.)
You are going to hear a lot of garbage about what you should look like. From commercials, and ads to peer pressure, and even well meaning friends. Everyone will tell you what to look like, how to act and how to dress.
I am here to remind you of one thing. What you look like is NOTHING compared to who you actually are. Nothing.
So, while you are being bombarded with society's view on what is important here is a little reminder. Five things that, I believe, matter so much more than beauty does.
1. Compassion
I hope that you are each compassionate. I hope that you have the ability to love other people. To put yourselves in their shoes, and relate to them. I hope that you not only have the ability to put others needs in front of your own, but also I hope that you can have compassion for yourself.
2. Generosity
I hope that no matter what God gives to you, you will remember that living open-handed is so important. Share when you can. Give often of your time, and of your talents, and of whatever else you might have.
3. Acceptance
I hope that you live from a place of acceptance. Acceptance of who you are inside and out. Acceptance of your skills, and your shortcomings. Acceptance of other people, and their strengths even when they are greater than your own.
4. Passionate
I hope that you are passionate about something. I don't care if it is reading, writing, books, dancing, drama, sports, or anything else! I just hope that whatever you love, you do it! And I hope you live what you love passionately.
5. Faithful
I hope you have an abundance of faith. Faith in the grace that we have been given. I hope that you can live your lives out of that faith. Because my darling daughters, you were created in His image. You are forgiven, and you are saved. And when you start to understand the incredible gift that is, and how much you are already loved you can then live out of that grace filled love.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
The Words are There
I am a writer at heart. Being a writer doesn't mean I have perfect grammar. (I don't!) It doesn't mean I write better than anyone else, or that I am more capable of writing than you are. It just means that I love to write. My head is always full of thoughts, and ideas. Sparks that jump around and latch on to each other creating scenes, and descriptions. Oftentimes I am dreaming up a scene for whatever novel I happen to be writing as I fall asleep at night. Definitely a dangerous habit if I don't write down what I am thinking because I almost always forget by the time I wake up in the morning!
Being a writer to me means that I love to write. It means writing is a part of who I am. A part of what I do. When I have not written a blog I am working on a novel, and I am working in my prayer journal, and I am writing for work. It isn't that I haven't been writing. In the land of blogdom, however I have posted....nothing. (Insert cricket sound here. Perhaps some sad sounding violins!)
Lately, I have felt such pressure to write only when it means something. I should write only when I have something useful or impressive to say. When something incredible happens I want to blog about it. When God prompts me to put something out there I want to blog it. Sadly, those are not things that happen everyday. But here is the thing about being a writer, the words come out even when they don't mean anything to anyone else.
Days like today I have to write something, even if that means making an excuse to write. Even if that means no one else will ever read it. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to say because the words are there, and I need to create something with them.
I don't know what you love to do, but here is my encouragement for you today. Go do it. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't even have to be good. Just do it because you love to do it.
Being a writer to me means that I love to write. It means writing is a part of who I am. A part of what I do. When I have not written a blog I am working on a novel, and I am working in my prayer journal, and I am writing for work. It isn't that I haven't been writing. In the land of blogdom, however I have posted....nothing. (Insert cricket sound here. Perhaps some sad sounding violins!)
Lately, I have felt such pressure to write only when it means something. I should write only when I have something useful or impressive to say. When something incredible happens I want to blog about it. When God prompts me to put something out there I want to blog it. Sadly, those are not things that happen everyday. But here is the thing about being a writer, the words come out even when they don't mean anything to anyone else.
Days like today I have to write something, even if that means making an excuse to write. Even if that means no one else will ever read it. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to say because the words are there, and I need to create something with them.
I don't know what you love to do, but here is my encouragement for you today. Go do it. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't even have to be good. Just do it because you love to do it.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Rough Mornings
It is one of those mornings where the seams are all unraveled. Where my breakfast gets choked down because it feels like sandpaper, and my coffee doesn't taste right. I feel wound tightly, and it takes all of my energy not to snap at my daughters when they make innocent mistakes, or worse when I spill a glass of milk and they are not cleaning it up as fast as I want it to be. I am tired. I am anxious. I am weary. I don't really have an answer for mornings like these. I cannot tackle them on my own. I don't have the strength. I don't have all the answers.
I do have one thing though. I fall on my knees as I do every morning. But mornings like today, the harder mornings my prayer is all walking by faith. The pieces slowly come back together as I remember once again that God will sustain me. He will be my strength. He will take my worries and my anxieties and make them his own. He will direct my path. I just need to have faith. I just need to once again place it all in his lap. I don't need to know what the next step is, or what all the answers are. I just need to need to listen. I need to listen to the voice of God calling me back to his side. Reminding me that I am his beloved, and all I need is to walk by faith.
"I will still be the same when you are old and gray, and I will take care of you. I created you. I will carry you and always keep you safe." Isaiah 46:4
I do have one thing though. I fall on my knees as I do every morning. But mornings like today, the harder mornings my prayer is all walking by faith. The pieces slowly come back together as I remember once again that God will sustain me. He will be my strength. He will take my worries and my anxieties and make them his own. He will direct my path. I just need to have faith. I just need to once again place it all in his lap. I don't need to know what the next step is, or what all the answers are. I just need to need to listen. I need to listen to the voice of God calling me back to his side. Reminding me that I am his beloved, and all I need is to walk by faith.
"I will still be the same when you are old and gray, and I will take care of you. I created you. I will carry you and always keep you safe." Isaiah 46:4
Monday, June 29, 2015
5 ways my daughters make me a better woman
I love being a mom. I have known since I was really little that I would be called to be a mother. I could never have imagined, however how much my daughters would teach me! So, in honor of my daughters today here are 5 ways that they have made me a better woman:
1. They remind me to dance.
My daughters are full of love, laughter and joy. They have made my life so joyful. They encourage me on a daily basis to try things I am scared of, to dance, and to sing. They want me to live my life to the fullest that I can live it. You want to know the best part about this one? They are my biggest fans. They want to live this joyful life with me cheering me on just as I have cheered them on throughout the years!
2. They show me how I am reflecting God in their lives.
This is a huge one for me. Little kids do not understand how God loves. They don't understand the unfailing vastness of His love. Their only reflection of this great love is how they are being loved by their parents, aka me. That is a huge responsibility, and a challenging one. I definitely have moments where I have not done the best job. I have moments where I fail terribly at this. I also have moments of victory where a breakthrough happens and I can see their spiritual journey unfold a little more. Whether I am failing, or succeeding they challenge me to keep going, and keep striving each and every day.
3. They give me more opportunities to pray.
I have always believed in a big God. Faith is one of my biggest spiritual gifts, but I am never more challenged than when I am handing my daughters over. They give me daily challenges, and daily opportunities to pray with them and pray for them. There have been a lot of moments where my faith has been tested, and I am brought to my knees again praying for my darling daughters!
4. They remind me on a daily basis to put people over task.
My daughters pick every single weed from the backyard every summer. They bring the flowers to me in their dirty, sweaty fingers and I cannot help but smile. I take them and place them in the vase I always keep on my windowsill and replace the flowers they brought me the day before. I love the look on their faces as they present the flowers to me as if they had walked outside and found gold.
But in the hustle and bustle of life it is easy to overlook all the small stuff. It is easy to brush off a few dandelions, or a drawing or another performance of "Let it Go" because as moms we always have a LOT to do. I am not perfect at this, and there have been a lot of moments where I don't stop what I am doing. But, I firmly believe that the small stuff is the stuff of life. The small moments are the moments that really matter. And when we choose to look over the small moments we look over the people that matter to us. My daughters will not always bring flowers in from the yard, and my vase will one day sit empty. I don't want to miss it!
5. They taught me how big love can be.
1. They remind me to dance.
My daughters are full of love, laughter and joy. They have made my life so joyful. They encourage me on a daily basis to try things I am scared of, to dance, and to sing. They want me to live my life to the fullest that I can live it. You want to know the best part about this one? They are my biggest fans. They want to live this joyful life with me cheering me on just as I have cheered them on throughout the years!
2. They show me how I am reflecting God in their lives.
This is a huge one for me. Little kids do not understand how God loves. They don't understand the unfailing vastness of His love. Their only reflection of this great love is how they are being loved by their parents, aka me. That is a huge responsibility, and a challenging one. I definitely have moments where I have not done the best job. I have moments where I fail terribly at this. I also have moments of victory where a breakthrough happens and I can see their spiritual journey unfold a little more. Whether I am failing, or succeeding they challenge me to keep going, and keep striving each and every day.
3. They give me more opportunities to pray.
I have always believed in a big God. Faith is one of my biggest spiritual gifts, but I am never more challenged than when I am handing my daughters over. They give me daily challenges, and daily opportunities to pray with them and pray for them. There have been a lot of moments where my faith has been tested, and I am brought to my knees again praying for my darling daughters!
4. They remind me on a daily basis to put people over task.
My daughters pick every single weed from the backyard every summer. They bring the flowers to me in their dirty, sweaty fingers and I cannot help but smile. I take them and place them in the vase I always keep on my windowsill and replace the flowers they brought me the day before. I love the look on their faces as they present the flowers to me as if they had walked outside and found gold.
But in the hustle and bustle of life it is easy to overlook all the small stuff. It is easy to brush off a few dandelions, or a drawing or another performance of "Let it Go" because as moms we always have a LOT to do. I am not perfect at this, and there have been a lot of moments where I don't stop what I am doing. But, I firmly believe that the small stuff is the stuff of life. The small moments are the moments that really matter. And when we choose to look over the small moments we look over the people that matter to us. My daughters will not always bring flowers in from the yard, and my vase will one day sit empty. I don't want to miss it!
5. They taught me how big love can be.
I had no idea how much I could love someone else until I had kids. They gave me a whole new capacity for loving someone else. They gave me a whole new perspective on how God loves me. I would even say that they taught me what love really is. I am forever thankful for that.
Thanks girls, you are each an incredible gift from God, and being your mom is the greatest gift!
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