Ponderings

I am sitting in my family room which is blessedly quiet at the moment.  It is rare that no one is  talking,  moving, or asking me to return to the kitchen where I spend most of my waking moments.  

It was a long week, a busy week.   I find myself looking back wondering if I  appreciated all of the small moments, before realizing that I cannot even remember what the small moments of the week were.   I am not using that as a complaint.  Not at all.  For all it's busyness this week was incredible.  

I just wanted to take a moment to share the 5 things I am most thankful for this week. I wanted to look back through the busyness and savor a few of the small moments.  (They are in no particular order.)

1.  Heat.  Every single time I walk into my house out of the frigid cold air, I am reminded of how immeasurably lucky we are to have heat, and a house.   It is not always easy to remember to be thankful for something that seems so common, but I am.  It is amazing.

2.  My new journal.  Every year I keep a prayer journal.  I fill it with thoughts and prayers, and happenings in my life.  I love cracking open the spine on a new journal and starting to fill it with memories.

3.  Out of the mouths of babes.  My daughters were incredibly sweet this week each complimenting me out of the blue at different moments, and for different things.  It is in those moments that I feel so loved because I know that they really mean it.  

4.  Praise and worship.  Bill and I got to lead praise and worship together for church this week for the first time together.  I know that it will be something I never forget.  There is something so amazing about being able to lead people in worship with your husband.  Samantha even said, her favorite part about this week was when we were rehearsing she got to fall asleep to the sound of my singing. My heart totally melted.

5.  Joy and Laughter.  This week was filled with so much laughter.  Bill and I had a few nights where we fell asleep smiling and laughing.  Samantha made me laugh so hard at her dancing I almost cried.  Phebe slipped in the kitchen (she was totally fine and that is why it was so funny.)  and she was laughing so hard at herself that she couldn't stand up.  I in turn, laughed and it took two of us giggling to get her off the floor.  Claire is joy in and of itself.  She makes me laugh a dozen times a day!  I love all the joy and laughter.  

They might not be big moments, but they are the important ones!

On bended knee

Sometimes the days feel brittle hollow.   They are dry and grey.  I stumble around searching for relief, searching for grace.  I fall to my knees on these days.    Bending in a state of thankfulness.   A bold and wonderful move, to fall on my knees, despite the situation, despite the trials, despite the circumstances.  And not always easy to do.  It is easy to just get through and push forward.  It is easy to forget to give thanks.

I hope that I always remember to fall on to my knees no matter how weary I am feeling.   To thank the Lord, the giver of ALL things.  My Protector, my Provider, my Strength.  The one who made my knees to bend, and my heart to yield.  He created me to be a temple to serve Him.   A woman to sing His praises!

I admit that the last week has been trying.  I feel wilted like the leaves of a flower under the hot summer sun, tired and restless all at the same time.  But something happens as I continue to choose to pray first, something shifts.  The light streams through the window- a glimmer of hope, a reminder that this to shall pass.   A feeling of grace and love, changes the world from darkness to light.  A reminder that sometimes blessings come from the strangest of places, the strangest of days, and the darkest of hours.

New Year

It is quiet in the house this morning.  A welcoming fresh, new awakening to the year.   My girls walk with padded footsteps in their pajamas slowly down into the morning light.  No one seems to be in a hurry to do anything or go anywhere.  It feels peaceful.

I sit on the couch spending the first quiet moments of my morning in prayer, and in solitude.   This is the way I want to spend the first moments of today.  These moments are the perfect start to a new year. 

The new year is often filled with lofty goals, and hopes for a brighter future.  A fresh start.   A new beginning.  I can think of a lot of things I want to do better this year, to change, to make new.  But as I glance down at the blank pages of my new prayer journal I cannot think of anything I am more excited for than this.

 I cannot wait for the moments of praise.  The moments of thanksgiving.  I cannot wait for the pages to be filled with prayer, and reflection.  I am so excited  to find out all the things that God will reveal to me in the next year.    The pages are all open opportunities.   

The pages are waiting to be filled with moments of life traveled with God.  I know that some of the moments will be hard, some of them life altering.  I know that some of the moments will be great and filled with joy.    It does not matter what the moments are, just that they are waiting for me.

^“ And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”  Colossians 3:17

Advent

I don't know if it is my Catholic upbringing, my constantly seeking heart, or my general love for Christmas, but I love Advent.  When I was a child my mom always had the Advent wreath out.  We would light the candles and read from the bible that sat on our coffee table.   We would pray, and sit together as a family.  It was in those moments that I really learned to seek the Lord always.

Advent is a season to prepare your heart.  It is a time to reflect.  A time to celebrate.  A time to be in awe of the greatest gift that has ever happened.   I want my children to have the opportunity to celebrate Advent with me.  We don't have an advent wreath,   My kids are not going to experience Advent exactly the way that I did.   But we do our own Advent traditions.

We have made paper trees with each ring containing a part of the Christmas story.  Each day we read a bit of it until Christmas where we sit down and read the whole thing.  We always go through our toys, and belongings and leave a bag for Santa to take to kids who otherwise wouldn't get anything.  We sing Christmas carols, and we dance around our family room.    There is so much joy I want them to experience!

There are times when I am not sure that it is sinking in.  I don't know that the understand how amazing Christmas is apart from the gifts,    But then there are moments when one of them wants to read the Christmas story out loud, or I hear their little voices belting out traditional Christmas carols, and I know that the seed has been planted.   In those moments I am filled with more joy than any tree, any present, or any Christmas gathering can bring!

 It is those moments that I am holding on to, and praying that in the future when times are hard, when things are rough that they remember the peace, and the joy, and the amazing gift that God sent us in Jesus!

The hazards of writer's block

I love to write.  Every November I reminded of this as I head into the Nano season.  (If you don't know what that is check it out: nanowrimo.org)  I love sharing what is on my mind.  I love developing characters.  I love telling stories.  If I am totally honest my least favorite part of writing is editing.

This November it is slightly different for me.  I am writing for the first time in months.   I have not gone this long in between writing since I fell in love with it in high school.  I would tell you how long ago that was, but then I am reminded about how old I am.  But writing again!  A small victory in my life.

After getting sick in August, and having my entire world shifted I couldn't bring myself to write.  I would pull up my blog to a fresh blank screen ready to write.  Ready to let the thoughts that had been zooming around in my head come spilling out on to the page, and yet nothing would come.  The thoughts vanished.

When October rolled around and my best friend asked if I had any ideas for Nano this year I hesitated.  I honestly didn't think I could do it.   I didn't have any ideas.  I hadn't been able to blog in a few months.  I hadn't picked up my journal, or written a poem.  Could I really write 50k words in one month after all this?

Thank God for best friends because she convinced me to try.  What was the worst thing that could happen?  I could fail.   But I would fail more if I didn't even try.  

Now I am sitting here. I am writing.  The words are coming, and they might not be great.  They might need a lot of editing, but I am writing.  

Celebrating Imperfection

Being a mom, and a wife, and having several jobs it is easy to get caught up in the day to day struggles.   I wake up and I have an idea in my head of how the day should go.  I have a list of things I want to accomplish.   I think: Today I will be patient, and kind.  Today I will stay focused on the Lord the entire day.    I will pray first, think after.   I will wake up and spend some much needed time resting in God's presence.  Then I will make breakfast and coffee.  The kids and I will sit together and eat, and shortly after breakfast everyone will get dressed and we will start the list of things we need to get done that day.    If all goes well, we get it all done and even have some extra time to just be together.

I should start by saying that I do have days that go this well.  I love these days.  They are amazing.  It is easy to stay focused.  It is easy to stay calm, and patient.  I can pray at all times, and even pray more than usual with the girls.

Then there are the other days...

I wake up an hour earlier than my kids to spend some time with God, and within 5 minutes I have been interrupted 6 times.  Little feet running around upstairs, or the 2-year-old trying to get out of bed early.  I still manage to get some time in, but it is not as relaxing and as fulfilling as it usually is.

Breakfast is chaos.  There is spilled milk all over the table and the floor.  My blessed 2-year-old is trying to clean up the milk before the dog licks it all up.  She of course, doesn't want help.  My older two daughters are already at each other's throats.   They have chosen to argue over who gets to sit at the head of the table since Dad is still in the shower.   I pour myself a cup of coffee, while quietly saying a prayer.

I know what is about to happen when breakfast is over, and everyone has to get dressed and do chores.  I know that there will be whining and arguing.  I can already tell that today is not going to be an "easy" day.  Today is going to be a day where each step of the way is going to be a challenge.   Today is going to be a day where my patience is tested every step of the way.  Today is likely going to be a day where I raise my voice in frustration at some point when no one is listening when I ask nicely.  Today I am going to be so tired by the time my husband comes home that it will be a struggle to be a joyful wife.

I could get stuck in the hard moments.  Sometimes I do.  Sometimes the struggle of the day overtakes me, and I forget to pray.  I forget to breathe.  I forget to enjoy the more amazing moments.   We all forget sometimes.

Today I am choosing to celebrate.

I am going to celebrate that even though milk was spilled everywhere my daughter offered to clean it up without being asked.

I am going to celebrate that even though my older two fight they love each other more as each day passes.

I am going to celebrate the moment at the end of the day where we sat down to watch a movie and all three of my kids piled on top of me and snuggled in.

I am going to celebrate the moment when I could have yelled, but I didn't.

Most importantly, I will celebrate the fact that through each struggle, and each moment I am choosing to lean more on the Lord.  To pray through the harder moments, to call on God's grace for myself and for my kids.  I am learning everyday that I cannot do it without Him.     I am constantly learning that I don't have to be perfect, but imperfect in the Lord.

I am not your friend

Dear Daughter,

I love hanging out with you.  I love having crazy dance parties.  I love talking about the books that we have read together.  I love the days where we bake, and play and sing.    I love that you confide in me.  That I am the person you trust most in the world.  I love knowing not only your favorite color, but also all your secrets.   I love all the laughter, and all the love between us.  But I need to be clear.  I am first and foremost, your mom...not your friend.

I am here to help you stretch the right boundaries.  To teach you which rules are made to follow.  To teach you to love.  I am here to work with you so that you can become the strongest, and most wonderful woman that God made you to be.

I am not always going to make it easy for you.  I know you don't want to help clean the house, or fold the laundry.  I know that you want to be able to have internet and a television in your room.  I am aware that I am infinitely mean for not buying you a phone when "like literally everyone has one."

When you come to me asking to read a book that is too mature for you, as you did today, I am going to say no.   I don't care how mad you are.  I don't care if you think I am mean.  I don't care if in that moment it doesn't feel like I care about what you want.  I care about you more by not letting you read that book, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

The bottom line is I DO care.  And it is because I care that I am going to be your mom.    What you need right now is a Mom.    I am here to do just that.  It is not always going to be easy.  I cannot promise I will be perfect or never make mistakes. I hope you can learn from not only your mistakes, but mine as well.  I hope to be the kind of mom that teaches you it is ok to make a mistake.  I also, hope to teach you how to make amends for those mistakes.

What I can promise is to always be there for you no matter how bad you mess up, no matter what the problem big or small.   I promise I will always love you.  I will always be here to help you and guide you.  I promise to help you when you feel unsure, and to protect you when you need it.  I promise to give you a little push when you need to fly, and to hold you back when it is not quite time.

 One day when you grow up I do hope to not only be your mom but your friend as well.  Until then, I am going to stick with just being mom.

Love you!
Mom