Surrender

Last year was a time of waiting and surrender.    God had already revealed to me that change was coming, but first I was in a season of wait. Honestly, I had no idea what that meant.  I had no idea what change was coming, or what I was supposed to do other than surrender.  What change?  I wondered and I worried.  I whispered in quiet moments to God.  I asked what change was coming.  I thought if he could just tell me I could be better prepared, if he would just reveal something to me I would know what to do.  Each time he whispered back.  "Wait, trust me.  Surrender."  As you can imagine, this was not exactly the answer I wanted to hear.  I like to have a plan.  I am the kind of person who starts my day with a list and by the time I close my eyes at night-every single item will be crossed off that list.  It seemed the more I asked, the quieter God got.  The more I asked, the more his answer stayed the same.

Ok God, I give in, I surrender.  (See what happened there?  I did what I was directed to do from the beginning.)  Trust. Wait.  Surrender.  That was what I was directed to do, and that is what I did.  Day after day, week after week, month after month.  I waited.  I surrendered.  I prayed that God would dig deep into the darkest parts of my life.  I prayed that he would reveal every single piece of my life that I had not yet surrendered.  I asked him to show me anything I had not yet released into his care and his provision, which by the way, is infinitely better than my own.  God provided daily encouragement to keep surrendering, and wait.

Surrendering at times got messy and confusing, but I like to think that life's greatest moments, and life's greatest lessons happen in those messy moments of surrender where we have finally let go of control and we let God.  

Eventually, I began to lose sight of the waiting and began to relax into the surrender.  I stopped needing to know and I just let go.  So of course, that is when change happened.  Change that had started as a seedling, grew full fledged in a matter of weeks.  God in a complete surprise asked me to leave both my jobs and head into new territory.  For many people this might seem a minor change, but for me it was a life altering experience.  I left two jobs I had worked for 10, and 15 years.  Two jobs that I loved.  I had been so certain that God was building my heart to move into ministry full time, and God came swooping in and smacked me in the forehead with something totally different.

The monumental amount of mourning that came with this change and moving into the next season of life was something I never really expected.  I was still going to see all the people I had worked with for so long, and every single prayer I had been praying for the last six months was being answered in this transition.  I knew I was making the right choice, and I knew I was going where God was calling but as I left church on my last Sunday on staff something inside of me was crushed.  Something was broken.  The joy I had felt, in surrendering to God and what he was asking me to do, quickly turned into mourning what I had to leave behind.

Months went by before I really started to feel like I was adjusting to my new normal, but in that time I felt strong even when things seemed out of control.  I felt at peace even when things were rough.  I cried tough tears, and I mourned, and I felt myself stretch and grow in new ways.  I felt a new kind of grounding that I knew would never have happened if I hadn't been in full surrender before all the change happened.  It is still a process.  I am growing, but with each passing day and with each new challenge my faith grows. 

I know that I stepped out in faith not sure what the future was going to hold, but knowing that God knew and that was going to be enough.  I needed those months of adjustment in order to be better prepared for what he had next for me.   Now, as I embrace this new season of my life I can finally see what God saw.  I can understand where he was leading me.  I am seeing the fruits of each day as I continue to surrender.   I am standing in this new phase of life and I can say it is good!

I cannot promise it will be easy, and I cannot promise that you won't be stretched and challenged.  But I can promise that if God is calling you it will be good.  Trust.  Wait.  Surrender.

A Year of Brave!

I love the idea of having a word for the year.  I am sure this is not a surprise to anyone who knows me and my love for lists, goal setting, and intentional living.   But I really do love the idea of starting a new year with focus, a fresh journal filled with unwritten pages, and endless opportunity.  I love that no matter how many times I slip up, or lose focus I have a mantra to bring me back, and refocus me.

I start to get excited in the month of December while I am praying, writing in my journal, and waiting.  Waiting for the word that God will reveal to me in the weeks to come.  I have had many words:  surrender, joy, hope, bold, trust.   Every year, and every single word has been an opportunity for growth.  An opportunity to become more of the woman that God has created me to be.   I don't know about you, but this makes me really excited!

I don't want to sugar coat it.  Not every challenge has been easy.  In fact, some of the challenges have been quite well.....challenging.  Tears have been shed, and boundaries have been crossed, comfort zones have been left far behind.  I am sure this year will be no exception.

I spent most of 2016 and 2017 under the umbrella of the word surrender. God asked me to surrender my kids, my marriage, my health, my control, my identity, my job, my home.  You name it.  I surrendered it.  Overall, this wasn't an easy surrender, it was an unraveling and a stepping forward in the dark.  If I am totally honest some things were easy to surrender and others left me wondering if I had what it was going to take to fully surrender.

Towards the end of 2017 I found myself vocalizing to people that "I am not brave."  Those four words were met with puzzled looks and a few shaking heads, but still in my heart I didn't feel brave.   Wouldn't you know it as I prayed about what my word for 2018 would be God whispered in my heart....Brave.   I know...shocking plot twist. 

I began to ask.  What does this mean? What does Brave look like for me?  Where are you telling me to go with this God?

Is brave found in standing up, or laying it all down? Am I brave in the small moments?
Daring and Courageous in the big moments?  Do I know that I am enough?

Am I brave enough to be myself, and strong enough to put God's words, quietly spoken, in my heart?
Will I let His words drown out those of the world?

I am not abandoned.  I am chosen.  I am not lost.  I am found.  I am not broken, forgotten or overlooked.  I am loved, cherished and made for this moment.

Every moment of surrender-
Every moment of stumbling-
Of learning, of trial-
These moments have built me, molded me, made me.  These moments created my faith.

God says walk by faith.  Not by sight.  That's brave.  Brave is knowing that God knows better than I do.  Even when I don't understand.  Even when I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and everything seems dark.  Holding on in those moments, surrendering in faith.  Trusting that God is who he says he is.  That is brave.

Perhaps bravery is also found in patience, bravery is found in the waiting.  It is found in the moments where you have surrendered everything you have.  When you have unraveled everything in your heart and left it for God, not knowing what he will create with it, but having faith that it will be better than you could ever imagine.  Brave is holding nothing back.

Brave is accepting and embracing who God made me to be, knowing I was brought to this day, this hour and this moment for a reason.  Brave is listening to God's will.  Brave is not measuring up to other people's expectations- But instead creating your own.

And so God says to me:  Rise up brave daughter.  Take courage.  Have faith.  You are chosen.  You are loved,  You are accepted.  You are enough.


I am ready 2018.  My year of brave!