Don't Talk about your spouse to anyone.....Ever

I was talking to a group of friends and the subject landed on marriage and gossip.  I believe that gossip can kill relationships.  Gossip is toxic.  Not only to your marriage but to every relationship you have.  One of my friends has a rule.  When you are in a conversation that goes south, and everyone is talking about their spouses you don't... ever.   I know that the rule sounds harsh, wait no not harsh, hard to follow.  Extremely hard to follow.

Picture yourself standing with a  group of girlfriends, and everyone is chatting.   The conversation probably becomes a spiral of whose husband has done the least amount of housework, had the least helpful few days, or been the biggest jerk of the week.  I know that most women have been there.  Pretty soon everyone is wondering what is in the water? What is making all the men (or women) so terrible?

The answer is we are, we are the ones making them terrible.  We are the ones over-exaggerating, over-complaining and honestly over-exposing our loved ones.  We are gossiping.   I know I sound preachy, but I am guilty of this as well.  I am calling myself out just as mush as I am calling out everyone else.  It is really easy to get caught up in the negative thoughts, just to feel like you are relating to each other in the moment.

What kills me in this situation is that we are taking the person that we have chosen to love, and to honor, to respect, and to take care of and we are cutting them down.  Often times we are taking their weakest points, .  we are taking their biggest fears, we are taking their failures and we are exposing them to who ever will listen.  When in reality these are the points that we should be praying for, helping to lift them up, and protecting them from more pain.

 But what if we lived in a different world?   What if instead of cutting down our spouses we lifted them up?  What if instead of mentioning that load of laundry that went unfolded we thought about how hard our spouse worked that day.   What if instead of giving in to the gossip we chose to walk away from the conversation?

What if instead of judging every single move, we loved and supported instead?  After all, isn't that what we promised?

A Grace Based Burnt Dinner

I have a challenge this week.  A parenting challenge.  I know some of you are thinking, why take a parenting challenge?  Parenting is a challenge all on it's own.  You are right.  Parenting is one of the most challenging, and most rewarding things I have ever tried to do in my entire life.   But, I am an advocate that everyone can improve.

For the most part, I have been trying to combine two parenting styles Love and Logic and Grace Based Parenting.  This week in my small group we asked the question "What are your children fighting with to get your attention?"   My answer was clear.  My "to do" list.  I have a list, a long one for each and every day of the week.   Let me make something clear.  I am not saying that it is bad to have goals, or a list, or things to do.  I think that is great.  It is one of the only ways that I can keep my life straight.   

The problem that I run into is that I am saying to my kids, things like "I will do that in a few minutes right after I finish ______."  My kids scamper off, and then I just move on with my list and I don't always remember what they asked me.  Or,  I know some of you are with me here, I hope that they forget what they asked me.  Because I would rather cross something else off of my list than play another game of Pretty Pretty Princess, or draw the outside of a wedding dress that they can color in.  

Back to my challenge, this week I am trying to be more mindful and focus more on my kids and less on my list.  This challenge has proved to be really difficult in certain moments.  For example, this evening I was making cookies with Phebe and playing with Claire in the kitchen, and trying to cook Bill's dinner all at the same time.  Samantha had chosen to go up to her room to play with her dolls.  After a few minutes Samantha came back down needing me to fix something.    My gut reaction was to tell her to leave it on my desk and I would fix it when I was done, but instead I grabbed the glue gun and plugged it in.  I was not going to set her needs aside to finish what I thought I needed to do.

Well, you can guess what happened next: the cookies in the oven needed to be switched out, the glue gun started leaking on the counter, Claire started to try and escape her chair, and I was standing there trying to fix a brush for a doll.  I needed an extra set of hands.  The dinner burned and I started to laugh.   I am clearly, clearly not good at setting things aside all the time.   My moment of clarity came when Samantha hugged me excitedly and said "Thanks for fixing it right now momma even though you are busy."  She saw that I was valuing her over what I was doing.

It is not all to do lists, however  I had a great time today snuggling and reading books with Claire, making cookies with Phebe and just playing with Samantha.  These moments were so easy, I loved it. I wasn't thinking about what I had to do.  I was just enjoying my kids.  

What have I discovered so far this week?  It is a balance.  I do need to get stuff done, and there are going to be times that I have to have the kids wait because I have to finish making dinner or because I need to switch the laundry, but sometimes it is also important just so set aside what is on my list to fix a doll brush.  Even if that means that the dinner is burned.

A trip down memory lane

I was inspired today to go through my old blog.  A friend of mine needed access to her old blog and the only way I could remember her user name was to sign in to my account.  In the process of remembering my own user name and password, and wondering how long I wrote at that blog I thought to myself:  I should save this.  These are my words, and my thoughts, and this is my life.  One day someone might want to read this.

I am not saying my words were words to remember, just that maybe one day when I am gone my kids will want to read the things I wrote.  I know that I would love to read a journal of my grandmother's.

My first thought at pulling up this blog was to ooooh and aaaah at the little sweet pictures of my babies faces. I loved reading the sweet things that they were doing at the time.  Then I read what I had written.  I am not a great writer.  I never have been.  I love to write, but I am not always skilled at it.   Some of these blog entries however, made me cringe.    I was not just cringing at the words, but at how hard I was on myself.    I have changed so much since then.  And I wish I could turn back a page in time and instill some of this wisdom on my younger self.

I started from the beginning of my blog (all the way back in 2003).   I was hard on myself as a mom, as a wife, as a friend.  I was hard on myself in general.   I am still hard on myself, but not in the same way.  I know more where to give myself grace, and where to push myself.  I have learned a lot since then, and I am so thankful for it.   I am not perfect in that I am still a perfectionist.   I have a long way to go.  But it is encouraging to see how far I have come.

I made a lot of really tough decisions back then.  Decisions that have affected the rest of my life, and decisions that were not easy to make.  Come to think of it, I don't know a lot of life changing decisions that are actually easy to make because then they wouldn't be life changing.

I hope that by saving these words and by showing them to my daughters one day that they too can learn from me.  They can learn from who I was then, and who I am now.    I do hope that they see that the one thing that hasn't changed is God, my reliance on Him was always constant.   I really did like that part!

This is what I would say to my old self:  I hope that you know that you don't have to be perfect.  Just do your best and the rest is going to be fine.  Ask for more help.   Let people in to the hard parts of your life because other people are going to help you get through it.  Let the little things go, and remember that there is always tomorrow.  Love yourself for who you are no matter what evil words other people are feeding you.  Keep being silly and laughing.  Your joy is infectious and amazing.   And lastly, Use spell check it is there for a reason!

Praying for your husband- A week long challenge!

I have an amazing husband.   He is other than my children, the most important person in my life.  We daily walk together, we parent together, we live together, we spend our time together.   I could not think of a better person to be praying for every-single-day.

It is really easy to forget to pray for your spouse.  There are so many things going on in life, and so many things to pray for that sometimes I think your husband (or wife) can take a backseat.   I am going to offer up a challenge to all of you out there.   Can you pray for your spouse every day for a week?   Ask God to open up your heart, and you will see the power in praying for your spouse!

Here are 5 suggestions, or jumping off points if you will.   These are the things that I pray for my husband every morning while I am making breakfast before he leaves for work.

1.  Respect, Grace and Compassion.  I pray that God make me the kind of wife that always my husband would want.  A wife that respects him.  A wife that has grace when he makes mistakes as we all do, and a wife that is full of compassion.   I am not perfect, and there are moments where I am not filled with grace and compassion, but it is something I strive for every day.

2. To be the Man that God called him to be- The head of our house hold.  I believe it is so important to support your husband as God calls him.  I pray that my husband find the path that God has laid out for him, and that he has a peace about the decisions he makes every day.  I pray that God is at work in his heart, and his mind as he faces all his daily challenges and struggles.

3.  To know that he is loved no matter what.  I pray that my husband know that God loves him.  I pray that he understands the vastness of God's grace and God's abounding love.  I pray for him to be living from approval and not for approval. (A quote I stole my from my pastor.)  I also pray that he knows that I love him.  No matter what, no matter the circumstances.  

4.  In Thanks! How easy is it to forget to just simply thank God for your husband?  Spend a few minutes thanking God for the amazing man that he has given you!

5.  For his requests.  I often times talk to my husband about what he needs me to pray for.  The answers that are weighing on their hearts might surprise you!  Go ahead and ask what they want you to pray for.


I know that there is power in a prayerful spouse.   God is there and He answers.    Open up your hearts for the week and see what changes can happen!!