Surrender

Last year was a time of waiting and surrender.    God had already revealed to me that change was coming, but first I was in a season of wait. Honestly, I had no idea what that meant.  I had no idea what change was coming, or what I was supposed to do other than surrender.  What change?  I wondered and I worried.  I whispered in quiet moments to God.  I asked what change was coming.  I thought if he could just tell me I could be better prepared, if he would just reveal something to me I would know what to do.  Each time he whispered back.  "Wait, trust me.  Surrender."  As you can imagine, this was not exactly the answer I wanted to hear.  I like to have a plan.  I am the kind of person who starts my day with a list and by the time I close my eyes at night-every single item will be crossed off that list.  It seemed the more I asked, the quieter God got.  The more I asked, the more his answer stayed the same.

Ok God, I give in, I surrender.  (See what happened there?  I did what I was directed to do from the beginning.)  Trust. Wait.  Surrender.  That was what I was directed to do, and that is what I did.  Day after day, week after week, month after month.  I waited.  I surrendered.  I prayed that God would dig deep into the darkest parts of my life.  I prayed that he would reveal every single piece of my life that I had not yet surrendered.  I asked him to show me anything I had not yet released into his care and his provision, which by the way, is infinitely better than my own.  God provided daily encouragement to keep surrendering, and wait.

Surrendering at times got messy and confusing, but I like to think that life's greatest moments, and life's greatest lessons happen in those messy moments of surrender where we have finally let go of control and we let God.  

Eventually, I began to lose sight of the waiting and began to relax into the surrender.  I stopped needing to know and I just let go.  So of course, that is when change happened.  Change that had started as a seedling, grew full fledged in a matter of weeks.  God in a complete surprise asked me to leave both my jobs and head into new territory.  For many people this might seem a minor change, but for me it was a life altering experience.  I left two jobs I had worked for 10, and 15 years.  Two jobs that I loved.  I had been so certain that God was building my heart to move into ministry full time, and God came swooping in and smacked me in the forehead with something totally different.

The monumental amount of mourning that came with this change and moving into the next season of life was something I never really expected.  I was still going to see all the people I had worked with for so long, and every single prayer I had been praying for the last six months was being answered in this transition.  I knew I was making the right choice, and I knew I was going where God was calling but as I left church on my last Sunday on staff something inside of me was crushed.  Something was broken.  The joy I had felt, in surrendering to God and what he was asking me to do, quickly turned into mourning what I had to leave behind.

Months went by before I really started to feel like I was adjusting to my new normal, but in that time I felt strong even when things seemed out of control.  I felt at peace even when things were rough.  I cried tough tears, and I mourned, and I felt myself stretch and grow in new ways.  I felt a new kind of grounding that I knew would never have happened if I hadn't been in full surrender before all the change happened.  It is still a process.  I am growing, but with each passing day and with each new challenge my faith grows. 

I know that I stepped out in faith not sure what the future was going to hold, but knowing that God knew and that was going to be enough.  I needed those months of adjustment in order to be better prepared for what he had next for me.   Now, as I embrace this new season of my life I can finally see what God saw.  I can understand where he was leading me.  I am seeing the fruits of each day as I continue to surrender.   I am standing in this new phase of life and I can say it is good!

I cannot promise it will be easy, and I cannot promise that you won't be stretched and challenged.  But I can promise that if God is calling you it will be good.  Trust.  Wait.  Surrender.

A Year of Brave!

I love the idea of having a word for the year.  I am sure this is not a surprise to anyone who knows me and my love for lists, goal setting, and intentional living.   But I really do love the idea of starting a new year with focus, a fresh journal filled with unwritten pages, and endless opportunity.  I love that no matter how many times I slip up, or lose focus I have a mantra to bring me back, and refocus me.

I start to get excited in the month of December while I am praying, writing in my journal, and waiting.  Waiting for the word that God will reveal to me in the weeks to come.  I have had many words:  surrender, joy, hope, bold, trust.   Every year, and every single word has been an opportunity for growth.  An opportunity to become more of the woman that God has created me to be.   I don't know about you, but this makes me really excited!

I don't want to sugar coat it.  Not every challenge has been easy.  In fact, some of the challenges have been quite well.....challenging.  Tears have been shed, and boundaries have been crossed, comfort zones have been left far behind.  I am sure this year will be no exception.

I spent most of 2016 and 2017 under the umbrella of the word surrender. God asked me to surrender my kids, my marriage, my health, my control, my identity, my job, my home.  You name it.  I surrendered it.  Overall, this wasn't an easy surrender, it was an unraveling and a stepping forward in the dark.  If I am totally honest some things were easy to surrender and others left me wondering if I had what it was going to take to fully surrender.

Towards the end of 2017 I found myself vocalizing to people that "I am not brave."  Those four words were met with puzzled looks and a few shaking heads, but still in my heart I didn't feel brave.   Wouldn't you know it as I prayed about what my word for 2018 would be God whispered in my heart....Brave.   I know...shocking plot twist. 

I began to ask.  What does this mean? What does Brave look like for me?  Where are you telling me to go with this God?

Is brave found in standing up, or laying it all down? Am I brave in the small moments?
Daring and Courageous in the big moments?  Do I know that I am enough?

Am I brave enough to be myself, and strong enough to put God's words, quietly spoken, in my heart?
Will I let His words drown out those of the world?

I am not abandoned.  I am chosen.  I am not lost.  I am found.  I am not broken, forgotten or overlooked.  I am loved, cherished and made for this moment.

Every moment of surrender-
Every moment of stumbling-
Of learning, of trial-
These moments have built me, molded me, made me.  These moments created my faith.

God says walk by faith.  Not by sight.  That's brave.  Brave is knowing that God knows better than I do.  Even when I don't understand.  Even when I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and everything seems dark.  Holding on in those moments, surrendering in faith.  Trusting that God is who he says he is.  That is brave.

Perhaps bravery is also found in patience, bravery is found in the waiting.  It is found in the moments where you have surrendered everything you have.  When you have unraveled everything in your heart and left it for God, not knowing what he will create with it, but having faith that it will be better than you could ever imagine.  Brave is holding nothing back.

Brave is accepting and embracing who God made me to be, knowing I was brought to this day, this hour and this moment for a reason.  Brave is listening to God's will.  Brave is not measuring up to other people's expectations- But instead creating your own.

And so God says to me:  Rise up brave daughter.  Take courage.  Have faith.  You are chosen.  You are loved,  You are accepted.  You are enough.


I am ready 2018.  My year of brave!

Hearing in the Silence

I have been praying a dangerous prayer. A prayer that is always shaking things up, and always throwing me for a loop.  Unravel me.  Take my broken places, my darkest bits and unravel them.  Turn them into what you want God!   (Be warned, things will change if you step down this path!)  So, unraveling is happening, and has been for a long time, but this winter a whole new space unraveled, and together God and I have been rebuilding it. .

God changed the way he speaks to me this winter.  We had a rhythm, God and I.  We spent time together everyday, and for the most part, the time was a little give, and a little take, a lot of talking, a lot of reading, a lot of writing.  I write my heart to God and write what I am hearing from him.  I am a writer at heart.  I might not write anything for anyone else, I may never be published.  I am certainly not Jane Austen, but I write.  A lot.  

This winter the writing stopped.  The words dried up, and there was silence.  I resisted of course, sitting in front of my journal and filling it with questions, writing down God's word and waiting for more to come, but it never did.  The out pouring of words that had once been the normal rhythm was gone.  Not only did my journal sit empty but I was silent.  I wasn't writing at all... not blog post, a poem a song, a novel....nothing.  I was left staring at blank pages.

I still felt God,  He wasn't gone.  He was reaching out in a totally different way.   I felt his prompting and I heard the things he was saying to me...

Be still.
Listen.
I am here,
Just be.

My heart protested.  My brain froze.  I questioned.  I don't want to just sit here I thought.  I have dishes to do, and lunches to make and I haven't slept the night through since I had children!  I want to spend time with you God!  You created me to write God, and now there is nothing!  What gives?  Where did all the words go?

Be steadfast.
Be still.
Breathe.
Listen.
Be steadfast. 

And so I read my bible, and I sat.  I sat and listened.   I sat and soaked in his presence.  I set my journal to the side and we sat together God and I.  I shut out the noise, and the distractions, I let the dishes go.  I sat.  To say it was easy would be a complete lie, but as I read and sat God revealed himself to me in in a whole new way.

He led me to Isaiah 26:3 over and over again.  "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."  Really if you get a chance the entire chapter is great, but verse three became my focus.  Keep steadfast, Listen, I trust you God.  Ok, I am here.  I am sitting.  I am still.

Slowly, after months of this new way of spending time with God the words started to come back again.   I dipped my toe into the writing pool and the pages began to fill up again.  And yet, as much as I loved the rhythm I found I had experienced change in my heart.  Some mornings when I sit down in the quiet to spend time with God I find I don't want to pick up my journal.  I want to sit in the silence and focus.  I just want to be still, and listen.

I unraveled, and He took those small broken pieces and built me back together.  Stronger, more peaceful, and more focused.  It is a journey and not everyday is perfect, but I am in perfect peace knowing that as those pieces come unraveled I can trust that God is rebuilding, remaking, and filling me with love and grace.   I don't have to have the strength as I unravel, I don't have to have the answers, and I don't have to know what happens next.  God has that all covered.  I just need to keep turning to him.

On Failing and #familypray30

I have a confession.  We as a family are failing #familypray30.  We are already a few days behind, and might not catch up within the 30 days allotted for this challenge.  I hesitate to type this out because I am basically admitting that we couldn't find the five minutes to pray through the book each day.   I love this prayer challenge, and I am going to finish it.  It just might take us longer than 30 days!

As intentional as I am as a parent, and as intentional as we are about praying with our kids, life happens.  Things get messy.  We have had a full week of late nights and places to go with kids who were tired and overly busy.    I forgot to bring the book with us on late nights.  Then when we got home it was much easier to snuggle in bed and pray with each child than it was to gather them all sleepy eyed and frazzled to go through the book.

We could just throw in the towel, but I am still going to consider this week a win. I don't have to be perfect as a parent. I don't have to.  No where is it dictated that we have to be perfect.  No where.  No where does it say we have to earn our way into anything.  We are loved.  We are created in His image.  We are His.   I am going to rest in that identity, and hopefully reflect that to my daughters as we imperfectly make our way through this challenge.

It is true, we didn't finish the book everyday, but here is why I think we won this week:

-We prayed every day.  Together.
-We belted out praise and worship in the car.
-We read, and told bible stories.
-We laughed together.
-We thanked God for our blessings.
-When Bill and I were not home for the evening, our oldest led the younger two in bedtime prayers.
-When a firetruck drove by, sirens blaring, my youngest reminded me to pray for wherever it was going.
-When my middle daughter was feeling uncertain she came to me and we talked through it, prayed and offered it up to God.

These messy moments are moments of growth.  These are the moments where faith is stretched, and lessons are learned.  Messy and broken life moments are where my daughters are learning we don't just schedule time to be with God, we make Him a part of every moment.

Dear Daughter, A note about adversity

If there is one thing in life I can guarantee everyone will face it is adversity.  I have faced a lot of adversity in my life.  I have had days, months and years where the weight of the world presses down upon me, and I feel as if I cannot breathe my next breath without falling to my knees.   But I am faced with an entirely new kind of adversity right now.  The kind of adversity that is affecting my daughter.  The kind of adversity where I have tucked her in to bed at night shaking with anxiety, fear. and incomprehension.  Big tears flowing into her pillow as she asks me "Why?  Why me?  Why is my life so tough right now?"

I struggle over my response.  I have an answer, but the answer is complicated.  The answer is developed from years of practice and leaning into a God who is bigger than I am.  A God who has carried me through.  My answer has been cultivated.  It has ebbed and flowed.  It is not perfect, but my answer has been formed on to my heart.   

Dear Daughter, 

If I stumble on my words right now it is because I am struggling to find the right thing to say.  I am struggling to explain how to face this adversity, while balancing wanting to take it all away from you.   As your mom, I have the right to want to take away everything you are going through.  Let me start off by saying; You don't deserve this.  You did nothing to make any of this happen, and I am so sorry.   I have watched you face a lot of turmoil in your years, and each and every time with God's help you have overcome.  I am so proud of you for that.  So proud.

You ask me, “why”.  I don't have an entire answer for you.  I don't know why.  I don't know what is going to happen.  What I do know is that Jesus never promised that we wouldn't face adversity.  "In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."  (John 16:33).  Jesus tells us that bad things are going to happen.   That sucks.  It just does.  It is going to hurt while we go through it sometimes extremely so.  But I have learned while Jesus hasn't delivered you from your adversity, He will deliver you as you go through it.  (And in the end he HAS overcome!)

We have this incredible opportunity when we face adversity.  We can cry, and lament, we can lean in to Jesus.  We can fall to our knees, and give in to all our weaknesses.  We can offer our brokenness and our pain, and our uncertainty.  We can let God pick up the pieces, and we can trust that His goodness, His strength, and His love will get us through.   As I type those words they seem powerful and I know them to be true, and yet at the same time trusting isn’t always easy to do.   I can hear you saying "yeah mom, I have tried that."  I get it. I really do.  It hurts. It's hard.  It sucks. Sometimes the pain, and the fear, and the uncertainty are so raw that I have cried myself to sleep.   I have wanted to give up on more than one occasion.  Sometimes even though I have been praying, and leaning in... God can feel far away.   For me, that last part is the hardest.

But in going through all that, here is what I have learned.  God always, ALWAYS gets me through.  He always has a plan.  He always covers me.  We feel like we have to overcome, but God has already overcome.  He has already fought the battle.  He knows how it all will end.  In fact, God tells us "Not to fear" 365 times in the bible.  That is one verse for every single day, all year long.   I love that!  

In fact, when we lean in and we allow God to cover our weaknesses.  He becomes our strength.  "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  I don't want to sugar coat it.  This isn't always easy.  I have had to come back time and again on my knees, humbled.  I am not perfect, and I won't ever be.  But I do know that it works.  Have faith.

So darling, lean in to God.  Cry out, and tell him why you are struggling.  Trust, and have faith that He has you covered no matter what this world brings.  Live your life in the assurance of His love for you.  Live out of His goodness, and His ablility to take care of you.  He will be your strength.  He will see you through.  He will always be there no matter how much you are hurting, or how far away He may at times feel.   You can do this!  You are covered.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

I love you, You are strong.  You are beautiful.  You can do this.

Love,

Mom

Is it worth it?

I get up every single morning to read my bible and spend time with God, and people often say to me:  I could never get up early. How do you do that?  Why would you want to do that?  Aren't you just reading the same things over and over again?  Is it worth it?

Here are my thoughts:

I love reading my bible, or if you want to get fancy you could say "I love spending time in the word." I am really not super fancy, but if you are then rock it out! There is nothing quite like starting my morning off in the quiet stillness, with a cup of coffee, my journal, and my bible.   It is oftentimes, in those waking moments, I can feel my day coming together.  I know I can face whatever God has called me to do, and be who God has called me to be because I began my day in His presence.  I have surrounded my heart, and my soul with His words,  I have prayed, I have lamented.  I have laid it all at His feet.

But my mornings are not perfect.  There are mornings I feel restless, and tired. The sound of my alarm waking me too early.   I stumble out of bed my mind jumbled with problems, words, to-do lists, and calendars.  My children wake early and crawl into my lap, spilling my coffee, or stealing my journal to write their own words down.   I still sit down on those mornings, and I read.  Even if I am just reading a few passages.  Even if I only have a moment.

On some mornings the words are tired, they are worn like me.  It feels like the same words that I have read a hundred times before, and the luster is not there.  (And also, I mean really, who gets the warm fuzzies after reading 4 chapters of genealogy?)  I know in those moments it is not God that has changed, but my focus.  I know that on those mornings I NEED to spend time in the quiet.  I know that even if the words have lost their luster in the moment, at some point during the day it will make a difference.

Surrender.  God has called me to surrender every single morning.  No matter what is going on.  No matter where my head is, or where my heart is.  I need to surrender. every. single. day.   And it is through this practice of surrender that my faith has grown.   By surrendering my mornings I have learned to surrender more of  my life.  God has crawled into the messiest places in my life and asked me to dig deep.  He has called me.  He has challenged me.  He has healed, loved, cared, nudged, prompted, and changed who I am.  He has strengthened my heart as I have walked through things I could never have done without Him.   He has been my constant, and my rock.  

So when people ask me if it is worth it.....I have to say yes.  Surrender.  Surrender everything you are, give up your mornings, your evenings, your everything.  Because what God has planned for your life is bigger.  It is better.  It is perfect.

I stepped out to look at the stars, because....

I love writing prompts.  Anything to get my creative juices flowing!  Recently, a friend of mine has started an incredible workshop for writers in the Grand Rapids area.  You can check out the website here:  http://www.voiceandvessel.com/   She offers really great opportunities to write either in studio or online!

This week the writing prompt that she sent out was "I stepped out to look at the stars, because..."  (Side note: For my friends who might read this and worry.  This is written from the perspective of one of the characters in my  books.)

The challenge is ten minutes of writing using the prompt.  Here it is folks, unedited, ten minutes:

I stepped out to look at the stars, because I am suffocating, defeated, and trapped inside my own body.  It doesn't matter that the sky is cloudy, or that the air is so crisp that it cuts right through my clothes. The farther I walk out into the moonlight the easier I begin breathe, the easier I began to feel like myself again.    I could tell you the moment it happened, the moment that everything changed, that moment is so far away now and yet....  I still have to get up everyday.  I still have to call on all my bravery to go out and lead.  Tonight, that thought weighs heavy on my heart.  I feel weak, and I feel unequipped.  Someone else should have been called to do what I am doing right now.  Someone else should have been asked to lead this life.   I don't have much time tonight.  They will notice I am gone before long, and for one fleeting moment I am tempted to run.  I am tempted to leave this life and never come back, to escape among the stars where no one knows who I am.   I hear footsteps in the distance, they are coming for me now shouting my name.  I don't know how long I will have to pay for this escapade.  The footsteps grow closer as I wrap my arms around myself trying to warm myself in the night air. I sigh, glancing up at the stars one more time watching them flicker in the distance and walk back the way I came.

In case you were wondering: It means everything

My voice is hoarse, and my arm is tired from holding up the same book for the last fifteen minutes.    The girls are warm and limp as they sink into me listening to the words I bring to life off of the page.  I am surprised as I read, because it is not me I hear, but my parents.

It was my mom tonight.  It is her voice that comes out of my mouth telling the tales of Frog and Toad, and Charlie and Lola.  Calm and soothing.  Never impatient, always soft.   Other nights, it is my dad soft and warm, but with an excitement to it.  I never knew when he would make me laugh with Dindercella and her Gairy Fodmother, or Green Eggs and Ham.  I feel the same electricity with my daughters as the giggles rise to just below the surface slowly bubbling up until they are shaking with giggles.

I wonder sometimes if these moments mean as much to my daughters as they do to me.  But they don't at least, not yet.... I know that they are not hanging on to every moment.  I know they don't have the same urgency that I do.  I know that they are not counting the days left until high school, or prom, until they drive, until they move out.  But, in case you were wondering I do know this:  The moments mean everything.

When my kids are sick, and I am pushing the hair out of their eyes, taking their temperature, and nursing them back to health I see my mom in me.  It is her hands, her eyes, her gentleness, her prayers that I am bringing.   I am passing on the comfort that only my mom can bring.

When they come home from school crying because their little hearts are broken it is my dads arms that I wrap around them surrounding them in safety, and comfort ensuring them that everything will be ok.  I am giving them a place they can always turn to.  No matter what the issue, no matter what the problem.  They will have a place to turn.  I am passing on the love my dad has given me.

When we dance around the kitchen dancing, and singing, and praising I am bringing a sense of fun.  The same fun that my mom used to cheer me up no matter what the circumstances.  The same sense of fun that meant that mistakes were forgiven, and that being yourself is always better than being someone else.

When we play a game of family hide and seek in the dark, or all snuggle on the couch watching a family movie I am bringing a sense of belonging.   I am giving them a sense of family.  The sense of family that my dad always taught me was so important.

Most importantly, these moments brought me an understanding of a God that loves unconditionally,  a God that provides, a God that walks alongside me, a God that is steadfast and a God that is so full of grace and love!  This lesson is invaluable.  This lesson is irreplaceable.

In case you were wondering: These moments mean everything.  The feeling of my hand in my dads, so strong and sure.   My moms hands as they softly wiped the tears from my face.  The sound of their voices and they guided me, read to me, and urged me to be who God called me to be.  The sense of belonging that has extended from me to my husband, and to my daughters.

It may not seem important to them now, but my daughters will remember just like I do. They won't forget.  And one day, hopefully, as they sit reading to their children it will be my voice that pours from their mouths.

A day in the life

It is funny how much I thought I was ready for Nano (National novel writing month www.nanowrimo.org) this year.  I think this is the first year since I started, seven years ago, that I actually thought to myself "hey I got this."   I know what I want to write about.  I have my characters names.  I have a notebook full of scene ideas, and little details I want to include.  I know, having done it before, that I can in fact write 50,000 words in one month.  I have never been this prepared to start a novel before.   Never.   Everything was great until I sat down at the computer, fingers poised, ready to write.   And....crickets.  Where are all the words?  Where are all the complete thoughts and the hilarious scenes bursting to get out of my brain and on to the page?   Again, crickets.

Perhaps it is the constant distraction of voices.  Thank you dear daughters for always interrupting when I am just about to hit a pivotal plot point because you have an imaginary cut on your finger.  There is nothing more important to me than that imaginary cut, but since it is not real can it wait?  Once we deal with said cut and your irrational fear of bandaids you need water, or you need me to feed you.  Yes, I haven't forgotten!  There is a stale cheerio on the floor upstairs. Help yourself!  (Kidding, I feed my kids!)

Perhaps it is the glow of social media. Thank you facebook, pinterest, twitter and instagram for always allowing me to be distracted from what I actually want to be doing.  I am incredibly thankful that I can always rely on you to be a total time suck wherein I will wake from a social media slumber to realize I have gotten nothing done, and I have nothing to show for my time.

Perhaps it is my actual life that gets in the way.  Working 3 jobs and running laundry, helping with homework, and running everyone to all their after school activities.  You know what I am talking about.  The daily grind, man.  Don't you hate it when your real life gets in the way and you cannot just read and write all day?  

The bottom line is, I met my word count goal for the last two days. Yay! I fed my kids (the dog ate the cheerio), and now I have the next four hours until they go to bed to engage and play and be present with them.  It is important to me that my girls see that I do things for myself.   I want them to know that dreams are important.  I want them to know that you can have passions and balance your life.  I want them to see me writing.  I want them to know that even if I never get published or recognized that it doesn't matter.  I am a writer at heart, and I write for me.

Go ahead I am not looking

I am at the table, and the forks are going.....slowly.  I am officially "that mom" I have pulled out the laptop at the dinner table while my child is still eating.  *Sigh*

Not that I have to defend myself, but I have been sitting here for 45 minute while my 3-year-old tries to eat approximately 4 tablespoons of shepherds pie that I made from scratch.  She is licking her fork, climbing on her chair, and humming a song from My Little Pony.  Basically, she is doing everything except eating.  She is not talking anymore other than the "can I be done yet?" that comes from her corner of the table every few seconds.  Don't worry child I am happy to remind you again that you have to eat a few bites before you get down from the table.

Why the laptop you ask?  It is not out of sheer boredom, or out of annoyance. Both of which I have been at dinner sometimes.  It is hard not to be annoyed sometimes when you put you love, sweat and tears into dinner to be met with so much disappointment.

 I am happy to say it is not everyday!  Most of the time at dinner I get to sit at the table and talk to my girls.  We talk about the best and worst parts of our day.  We laugh, We tell jokes.  Alas, not tonight folks.  Tonight, the dining room table was filled with dirty looks, and tears that threatened to spill out because I dared to put food on the table that did not resemble macaroni and cheese, or hotdogs!  The horror!

 I pulled out the laptop because my youngest will only eat bites when she thinks I am not looking.  If I so much as glance in her direction she makes a face.  Parents, you know the face.  The face that says "I think you might be secretly trying to kill me with dinner."  Yes daughter, the delicious homemade food I made for our family might in fact jump right out of that bowl and bite you.

I am sure you have been there, and I know we all have but here is the thing...  I am still going to be here darling.  I still going to make dinner no matter how many faces you make.  I am still going to ask that you at least try new things, because most of the time you like them.   I know, call the food police, I want you to experience things!

But just for tonight....I won't look at you.  Go ahead, pretend you hate dinner, and eat it when I am not looking.

EDIT:  She ended up eating the entire bowl as long as I wasn't looking.  :)

A Letter to my Daughters: 5 Things to Value over Beauty

Daughters,

You are amazing and gorgeous.  You already are.  It doesn't matter what you do, or what you become.  It doesn't matter if you are a size 2, or  size 16.  It doesn't matter how tall you are, or how short you are.  The color of your hair doesn't matter and neither does whether or not you choose to wear makeup.   None of that really matters.  Of course, I realize that this letter is falling on half deaf ears because society is going to tell you otherwise.

Society is going to hammer it into your beautiful impressionable brains that somehow beauty = worthiness.  (Hint: it doesn't.)

You are going to hear a lot of garbage about what you should look like.  From commercials, and ads to peer pressure, and even well meaning friends.  Everyone will tell you what to look like, how to act and how to dress.

 I am here to remind you of one thing.  What you look like is NOTHING compared to who you actually are.   Nothing.  

So, while you are being bombarded with society's view on what is important here is a little reminder.  Five things that, I believe, matter so much more than beauty does.

1.  Compassion

I hope that you are each compassionate.  I hope that you have the ability to love other people.  To put yourselves in their shoes,  and relate to them.   I hope that you not only have the ability to put others needs in front of your own, but also I hope that you can have compassion for yourself.

2. Generosity

I hope that no matter what God gives to you, you will remember that living open-handed is so important.  Share when you can.  Give often of your time, and of your talents, and of whatever else you might have.

3. Acceptance

I hope that you live from a place of acceptance.  Acceptance of who you are inside and out.  Acceptance of your skills, and your shortcomings.    Acceptance of other people, and their strengths even when they are greater than your own.  

4.  Passionate

I hope that you are passionate about something.  I don't care if it is reading, writing, books, dancing, drama, sports, or anything else!  I just hope that whatever you love, you do it!  And I hope you live what you love passionately.

5. Faithful

I hope you have an abundance of faith.  Faith in the grace that we have been given. I hope that you can live your lives out of that faith.  Because my darling daughters, you were created in His image.  You are forgiven, and you are saved.  And when you start to understand the incredible gift that is, and how much you are already loved you can then live out of that grace filled love.  

Love,
Mom

The Words are There

I am a writer at heart.  Being a writer doesn't mean I have perfect grammar. (I don't!) It doesn't mean I write better than anyone else, or that I am more capable of writing than you are.  It just means that I love to write.  My head is always full of thoughts, and ideas.  Sparks that jump around and latch on to each other creating scenes, and descriptions.  Oftentimes I am dreaming up a scene for whatever novel I happen to be writing as I fall asleep at night.  Definitely a dangerous habit if I don't write down what I am thinking because I almost always forget by the time I wake up in the morning!

Being a writer to me means that I love to write.  It means writing is a part of who I am.  A part of what I do.   When I have not written a blog I am working on a novel, and  I am working in my prayer journal, and I am writing for work.   It isn't that I haven't been writing.  In the land of blogdom, however I have posted....nothing.  (Insert cricket sound here.  Perhaps some sad sounding violins!)

 Lately, I have felt such pressure to write only when it means something.  I should write only when I have something useful or impressive to say.   When something incredible happens I want to blog about it.  When God prompts me to put something out there I want to blog it.  Sadly, those are not things that happen everyday.  But here is the thing about being a writer, the words come out even when they don't mean anything to anyone else.

Days like today I have to write something, even if that means making an excuse to write.  Even if that means no one else will ever read it.   Even if I don't have anything spectacular to say because the words are there, and I need to create something with them.

I don't know what you love to do, but here is my encouragement for you today.  Go do it.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  It doesn't even have to be good.  Just do it because you love to do it.

Rough Mornings

It is one of those mornings where the seams are all unraveled.  Where my breakfast gets choked down because it feels like sandpaper, and my coffee doesn't taste right.   I feel wound tightly, and it takes all of my energy not to snap at my daughters when they make innocent mistakes, or worse when I spill a glass of milk and they are not cleaning it up as fast as I want it to be.   I am tired.  I am anxious.  I am weary.    I don't really have an answer for mornings like these.  I cannot tackle them on my own.   I don't have the strength.  I don't have all the answers.  

I do have one thing though.  I fall on my knees as I do every morning.  But mornings like today, the harder mornings my prayer is all walking by faith.   The pieces slowly come back together as I remember once again that God will sustain me.  He will be my strength.  He will take my worries and my anxieties and make them his own.  He will direct my path.  I  just need to have faith.  I just need to once again place it all in his lap.   I don't need to know what the next step is, or what all the answers are.  I just need to need to listen.   I need to listen to the voice of God calling me back to his side.  Reminding me that I am his beloved, and all I need is to walk by faith.

"I will still be the same when you are old and gray, and I will take care of you.  I created you.  I will carry you and always keep you safe."  Isaiah 46:4

5 ways my daughters make me a better woman

I love being a mom.  I have known since I was really little that I would be called to be a mother.   I could never have imagined, however how much my daughters would teach me!  So, in honor of my daughters today here are 5 ways that they have made me a better woman:


1.  They remind me to dance.  

My daughters are full of love, laughter and joy.  They have made my life so joyful.   They encourage me on a daily basis to try things I am scared of, to dance, and to sing.  They want me to live my life to the fullest that I can live it.   You want to know the best part about this one?  They are my biggest fans.  They want to live this joyful life with me cheering me on just as I have cheered them on throughout the years!

2.  They show me how I am reflecting God in their lives.

This is a huge one for me.  Little kids do not understand how God loves.  They don't understand the unfailing vastness of His love.  Their only reflection of this great love is how they are being loved by their parents, aka me.  That is a huge responsibility, and a challenging one.  I definitely have moments where I have not done the best job.  I have moments where I fail terribly at this.  I also have moments of victory where a breakthrough happens and I can see their spiritual journey unfold a little more.  Whether I am failing, or succeeding they challenge me to keep going, and keep striving each and every day.

3.  They give me more opportunities to pray.

I have always believed in a big God.  Faith is one of my biggest spiritual gifts, but I am never more challenged than when I am handing my daughters over.  They give me daily challenges, and daily opportunities to pray with them and pray for them.   There have been a lot of moments where my faith has been tested, and I am brought to my knees again praying for my darling daughters!


4.  They remind me on a daily basis to put people over task. 

 My daughters pick every single weed from the backyard every summer.  They bring the flowers to me in their dirty, sweaty fingers and  I cannot help but smile.  I take them and place them in the vase I always keep on my windowsill and replace the flowers they brought me the day before.  I love the look on their faces as they present the flowers to me as if they had walked outside and found gold.

 But in the hustle and bustle of life it is easy to overlook all the small stuff.  It is easy to brush off a few dandelions, or a drawing or another performance of "Let it Go" because as moms we always have a LOT to do.  I am not perfect at this, and there have been a lot of moments where I don't stop what I am doing. But, I firmly believe that the small stuff is the stuff of life.  The small moments are the moments that really matter.  And when we choose to look over the small moments we look over the people that matter to us.      My daughters will not always bring flowers in from the yard, and my vase will one day sit empty.  I don't want to miss it!

5.  They taught me how big love can be.

 

I had no idea how much I could love someone else until I had kids.  They gave me a whole new capacity for loving someone else.  They gave me a whole new perspective on how God loves me.  I would even say that they taught me what love really is.  I am forever thankful for that.

Thanks girls, you are each an incredible gift from God, and being your mom is the greatest gift!

5 Things We Can All Learn from the Greatest Generation

I don’t think it is any secret among my friends that I love old people.  It sounds terribly silly to say it that way.  But I really and truly do.   In all sincerity, I do find that there are some really great lessons we can all learn from the Greatest Generation.    In an age where everything is fast paced, fleeting, and shallow what would happen if we all took a step back and looked at what our grandparents did?  I am not against progress.  I think there have been some amazing changes in the last 80 years or so.   But there are a few things I believe are still relevant today even if they are not prevalent today. 

 Here are the 5 things I think will strengthen us and our children for future generations:

1.        Waste not, want not. 

The Greatest generation lived through the Great Depression and WWII.  They saved every last penny, every last bite of food.  Nothing was wasted.  Nothing went unused.  Today we live in a disposable society.  The flashier, the brighter, the newer – the better.   We have so much stuff that we can’t organize it all! There are warehouses full of stuff that people cannot even fit into their homes.   There are people living in immense amount of debt because our consumer driven society keeps telling us we need more.   We live in the illusion that more will make us happy.  But the truth is more won’t make you happy.  What if we took the time to ask ourselves questions like:  Can I afford this?  Do I really need this?  Can I wait to buy this?

2.       Put Others First

My grandparents are prime examples of putting others first.  For example, whenever they had guests come to stay with them my grandmother would automatically make the master bedroom up for her guests.  She and my grandfather would then take the smaller bedroom and use the bathroom in the hall.  It wasn’t just guests either.  They lived putting others first.   .  My favorite part of this is that my grandparents served others without acting like it was a pain.  They served others out of love!  What a difference it would make if we all could serve others out of love every single day.  Let’s look for opportunities to serve.   I am on board!

3.        Humbleness

One of the greatest examples I can find of true humbleness comes from my Papa.  My Papa worked extremely hard to make a living for his family.   He fought in the air force in WWII.    He took in my Aunt and her two daughters after their father died and worked even harder to support all of them together.    He always helped anyone he came in contact with that was in need.   But in all the years I got to know him.  I never heard him brag.  He was always full of dignity and modesty.   I think we could all benefit from humbling our hearts a bit. 

4.        Faithfulness in Love

There is a reason why the Greatest Generation celebrates big numbers in marriage.    They spend more time serving and loving each other than looking at how green the grass is in the neighbors back yard.  Or better yet they spend more time with each other than with their phones/ipads, etc.   Loyalty and commitment are valued in the generations before us!   In the many conversations that I have had with my Nanny about marriage she insists that the road was full of bumps, the moments not always happy, and that in the end she would not change a second of it.    The good far out weighed the bad.  It was worth the effort.  It was worth the rough moments.   (Side note:  I am not applying number four to anyone in an abusive situation.)

5.        Enjoy  Life!

Don’t waste time looking back!   Everyone has regrets.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Don’t let the moments that have passed ruin the moments of the future!   Enjoy the moment you are in.  One thing I can say of the Greatest Generation.  They are in the moment.  They are not on their phone recording everyone singing Happy Birthday!  They are singing, smiling and in the moment.    Put down the phone, let some work go.  Enjoy life!  It is too short not too!

What are your thoughts?   What are some lessons you have learned from the Greatest Generation?

Sleepless Nights, Time and Intentional Writing

The alarm wakes me in the early hours of the morning and I am still too tired to wake up.  Too tired because I have a daughter  that is refusing to sleep.  Tired, because the hours I am working and the demands of motherhood sometimes leave me feeling ragged, and frayed around the edges.    I want to crawl back into my bed where it is warm and comforting, but the day lies ahead of me, and I need to get up.  

It is in these first few moments of the morning when my head is full of ideas, and plans and what I want to do during the day.  What I want to do is always contrasting with what I need to do, and what I am actually capable of doing in a day.  I always start off the morning with some devotional time, a little time writing in my journal and I scratch a few thoughts into my writer’s notebook.  The ideas begin churning over in my head over breakfast.  A word, a thought, a sentence…But then we fight to make the lunches, and pack the bags and get out the door.

At work the emails and the paperwork stack up and my ideas start to float away.   I grasp at them slightly wondering if I will get a chance to write about it later in the day.   I write for work, I edit, I email, I call people, and soon my brain has completely switched modes and all my thoughts of writing have completely floated away. 

In some ways, I think my writer’s notebook is great.  I can write down ideas when I am not home, or when I don’t have time to write.  I can save all the fleeting thoughts for when I do have time.   In other ways I think I can use it as an excuse to jot down an idea and avoid developing it in the moment.  I put it of thinking I can write about it later.  Another excuse to stop writing.   Believe me when I say if anyone can come up with an excuse not to write it is me.  I have a house to run, and 3 jobs, and 3 kids, and a slew of other things that get in the way.   

Writing is something I really enjoy, it is something that brings me joy.    So, sometimes I skip that load of laundry and I take a few moments to write one of my thoughts down, and then I actually turn that thought into a blog entry.

Grateful kids

A much needed day off happened today.  A day where I was surrounded by my girls.   A day filled with laughter.  A day filled with fun.  A day filled with smiles.  At least that is the kind of day that I expected to happen.   For the most part, the day was wonderful, but before the sun had awakened one daughter had already complained no less than nine times.   The complaining was apparently catching and pretty soon I had three complainers on my hands.

This ungrateful stance led me down a path where I began to wonder...  Have I instilled thankful hearts in my daughters?  Am I complaining so much that it is rubbing off on them?  My prayer journal is filled with thanks.  I have pages and pages of praise and thanksgiving for all the wonderful things in my life.  Do they know that?  Do they see my heart as thankful or as ungrateful?

God clearly calls us to give thanks.  He doesn't call us to give thanks occasionally. He doesn't call us to give thanks only when something really great happens, but instead He calls us to give thanks ALL the time.  "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  1 Thessalonians 5:18.   

I fully believe that having a thankful heart leads to pure joy.  I want my daughters to experience a life where they can fully experience the blessing God has poured out for them.  I want them to experience the joy of thanking God for the small things-  for the fridge full of food, for socks right out of the dryer, for snuggles, and stolen moments of family time.    The more they thank God for these things, the easier it will be to be thankful on the days when things are not quite as easy.

All that remains then is this:  How can I better teach my daughters to have thankful hearts?  To do this I think there are two different categories.  The first category is full of  things I can do everyday, and the second are things we can do in the long-term.

Ways to be thankful everyday:

1. Stop and thank God out loud for the everyday things that surround us. These are the things I am already praying in my head, but I can share them out loud!  I can give them concrete examples!  If I am not thanking God out loud then they won't be either!

2. Ask them the question: What would you like to thank God for today?  This is something we do in our evening prayers.  We thank God for something that happened that day.  It is one of my favorite moments at bedtime.  

3.  Say "Thank you!"  Sounds simple enough right?  But kids are not going to say thank you unless we are!    Be the example and say thank you!   Bonus points if you thank your child!

Ways to expand their thankful hearts:

1. Create a thankful jar.  This idea is simple enough, decorate a jar and leave it somewhere that the kids can fill it with slips of paper listing things they are thankful for.

2.  Keep Thank you cards in the house.   I love sending thank you cards, and I love having my daughters help.

3.  Create a bigger picture.  Volunteer, and help other people.  I want my daughters to experience a world, and a life story that is bigger than just them.  By creating a bigger story my daughters can grow to be thankful for what they have.

4.  Refill the glass.  It is normal for everyone to see the glass as half empty from time to time.  But I can look for moments to teach my daughters to see the silver lining in those situations!  

Why we can't blink

I wipe down the counter tops in my kitchen, and breathe in the stillness after a busy day.  Cups, napkins, and cupcake wrappers are strewn across the kitchen.  I am standing in the after math of a great birthday party.  Friends and family came to celebrate the littlest daughter's third birthday.

My daughter was delightful.  She squealed in joy when each person came in the door.  She embraced everyone in excitement.  She didn't even care about the presents-at least- not until I told her she could open them.  I love that about her.  I love that she is so open with her joy, and her lovely heart.

As I stand here wiping down the counters I see the "3" candle that we used for each of the girls sitting on the counter.  Bits of frosting, and cupcake crumbs cover the base of the candle, with a few teeth marks where they have licked off the candle after blowing it out.    Suddenly, it hits me.  I don't need that candle anymore.  I don't need the tiny candles, I don't need a diaper bag, I don't need little white stride rites for my girls to take their first steps in.  That is all done.  I don't have any babies anymore.  I don't even have a toddler anymore.

It has all gone by so incredibly fast, and I know that time isn't slowing down.  I am so thankful that I have gotten to stay home with them through all the important milestones.  That I have gotten to go to the concerts, and the school parties, and all the swimming lessons.  I realize, it is so important that I continue to savor all the moments.  To be in the moment with my girls.    Because if I blink those moments are gone.  

But today, as I clean out my diaper bag for good, and as my daughter hands me her pacifiers and tells me she doesn't need them anymore I am feeling like- I shouldn't have blinked.

Ponderings

I am sitting in my family room which is blessedly quiet at the moment.  It is rare that no one is  talking,  moving, or asking me to return to the kitchen where I spend most of my waking moments.  

It was a long week, a busy week.   I find myself looking back wondering if I  appreciated all of the small moments, before realizing that I cannot even remember what the small moments of the week were.   I am not using that as a complaint.  Not at all.  For all it's busyness this week was incredible.  

I just wanted to take a moment to share the 5 things I am most thankful for this week. I wanted to look back through the busyness and savor a few of the small moments.  (They are in no particular order.)

1.  Heat.  Every single time I walk into my house out of the frigid cold air, I am reminded of how immeasurably lucky we are to have heat, and a house.   It is not always easy to remember to be thankful for something that seems so common, but I am.  It is amazing.

2.  My new journal.  Every year I keep a prayer journal.  I fill it with thoughts and prayers, and happenings in my life.  I love cracking open the spine on a new journal and starting to fill it with memories.

3.  Out of the mouths of babes.  My daughters were incredibly sweet this week each complimenting me out of the blue at different moments, and for different things.  It is in those moments that I feel so loved because I know that they really mean it.  

4.  Praise and worship.  Bill and I got to lead praise and worship together for church this week for the first time together.  I know that it will be something I never forget.  There is something so amazing about being able to lead people in worship with your husband.  Samantha even said, her favorite part about this week was when we were rehearsing she got to fall asleep to the sound of my singing. My heart totally melted.

5.  Joy and Laughter.  This week was filled with so much laughter.  Bill and I had a few nights where we fell asleep smiling and laughing.  Samantha made me laugh so hard at her dancing I almost cried.  Phebe slipped in the kitchen (she was totally fine and that is why it was so funny.)  and she was laughing so hard at herself that she couldn't stand up.  I in turn, laughed and it took two of us giggling to get her off the floor.  Claire is joy in and of itself.  She makes me laugh a dozen times a day!  I love all the joy and laughter.  

They might not be big moments, but they are the important ones!

On bended knee

Sometimes the days feel brittle hollow.   They are dry and grey.  I stumble around searching for relief, searching for grace.  I fall to my knees on these days.    Bending in a state of thankfulness.   A bold and wonderful move, to fall on my knees, despite the situation, despite the trials, despite the circumstances.  And not always easy to do.  It is easy to just get through and push forward.  It is easy to forget to give thanks.

I hope that I always remember to fall on to my knees no matter how weary I am feeling.   To thank the Lord, the giver of ALL things.  My Protector, my Provider, my Strength.  The one who made my knees to bend, and my heart to yield.  He created me to be a temple to serve Him.   A woman to sing His praises!

I admit that the last week has been trying.  I feel wilted like the leaves of a flower under the hot summer sun, tired and restless all at the same time.  But something happens as I continue to choose to pray first, something shifts.  The light streams through the window- a glimmer of hope, a reminder that this to shall pass.   A feeling of grace and love, changes the world from darkness to light.  A reminder that sometimes blessings come from the strangest of places, the strangest of days, and the darkest of hours.